I saw a sign yesterday in Pride which I felt like quoting here.
“More passive anal sex for hetero men!”
I’ve actually had this thought before but the sign I saw yesterday made me think of writing about it.
Simply, I believe that if more straight men had passive/receptive anal sex with their female partners, our culture would become less sexist.
Having explored my own gendered social conditioning, I noticed that some dark part of my subconscious has/had* the idea that being the receptive partner in sex was humiliating.
*I discovered this a long time ago, and I think I have since gone a long way towards breaking it down. In particular, living as a woman (I used to live as a man, and was socially conditioned as such) and experiencing receptive sex myself must have done a lot to change it. After all, it’s easier to consider something shameful when you’re not doing it yourself.
I believe this idea is firmly ingrained in our culture. For instance, we use the word “fuck” as an insult or a weapon, where being on the receiving end of a “fuck” is considered undesireable. (“Get fucked”, “Go fuck yourself”, “Fuck you”, “He is so fucked”, “To fuck someone over”, “Are you fucking with me?” and so on).
In the Roman times, when homosexuality was accepted, being in a receptive role in male sex literally indicated a subordinate social position. There was a law making it illegal for Roman men to be passive to non-Roman men (as that would be an insult to the Roman empire).
Closer to the present, I’ve also heard men joke about getting fucked by women (as in, being on the receptive end of sex) as if that put them in a subordinate position. The joke was also funny for them because they understood implicitly that they would never, ever do it.
If being a receptive partner in sex makes you subordinate, takes away your power, or is somehow humiliating or belittling, what does that say about women, who are expected to be exclusively receptive in sex (and usually are)?
I’ll spell it out for you: considering receptive sex humiliating is calling women subordinate. It is the ultimate sexism.
So here is the remedy. If you are a man, try receptive sex. By which I mean, to be exact: be penetrated.
This is generally an enjoyable act. I do suppose I can’t expect everyone to enjoy it, as tastes are subjective, but I do believe that if straight men weren’t sexist then they’d enjoy it about as often and as much as women or queer men.
Before I underwent my gender transition, when I was living as a man still, I had several girlfriends penetrate me in sex. It was actually very easy to find straight female partners who wanted to do this. Actually, I don’t think a single one who I asked wasn’t willing to try. Funny how so many straight women feel ready to break gender roles but so many straight men feel threatened by doing so, isn’t it?
So, I implore you: give it a go. At the very least, try it once. Do it to stop feeling like you can never experience being in that position in sex. Do it to empathise with women. Do it to respect women more. Do it so that you can learn that being receptive in sex is not a humiliating position at all, and in fact has nothing at all to do with power.
Of course, BDSM power relations can be brought into it and enjoyed, but you should understand that it’s not an inherent part of the act. Even if you’re into power play, try to enjoy this at least once without feeling like you’re making a power exchange. Incidentally, if you’re into BDSM and are a man, consider whether you might enjoy being a submissive partner in a power exchange. You might not, but chances are you have been socialised to not imagine yourself in that position, and are more likely to ignore your innate desires to that end if you have them.
(Note: graphic sexual imagery follows)
Incidentally, you may be wondering how to do sex like this. Well, the obvious way is with a strap-on. These can be purchased at a sex shop, or online if you’re embarrassed, and there are models which are intended especially for use in opposite-sex relationships (mostly, the dildos are sized in order to be a better fit for anal sex).
Strap-ons are a little pricy, so if you’re not sure if you’re into this sort of sex, I suggest you try just with fingers. You’ll need a little lube, but apart from that it’s a pretty easy and spontaneous way of having sex, one which I still favour quite often. (If you can’t even imagine buying lube, use some olive oil or vaseline).
Finally, there is a third way of enjoying passive heterosexual sex if you are a man: be with a pre-op/non-op trans woman.
In case you have doubts about this point, being with a trans woman doesn’t make a straight man any less straight. It might make him less heteronormative, which is a good thing. But it doesn’t make him less straight. Trans women are authentically women on the inside, and after a year or so of hormones are female enough on the outside too to be attractive to any straight man who is honest with himself. In fact, I think the internal aspect of gender is more important than most people think, and that trans women are attractive to straight men even before hormones, even if this may sometimes confuse them (poor things).
So, being with a trans woman can be a hot heterosexual experience for men with potentially some interesting anatomical possibilities. HOWEVER there are some serious issues at play here that need to be considered.
It’s important to know that pretty much no trans woman wants to be with a man who only wants her for her penis. We call these men “chasers” and spend long forum discussions talking about how to avoid them. If you want a trans woman – or any woman for that matter – for no other reason but the specificities of her body, then I think it’s fair that you should pay for sex.
If you are capable of seeing her as something more than just a sex object, though, then it’s possible you might get into sexual contact with a trans woman. Congratulations! Now be very aware of a few things:
– Pre-op/non-op trans women ARE women, and their penises do not change that fact. One of the biggest issues we have about “chasers”, in fact, is that they may not be able to see us as women, or see us as some kind of half-women. They focus on our penises as if they were somehow defining of us. However, most of us want to largely avoid focusing on our penises at all, and certainly don’t believe they define us.
– Using our penises for penetrative sex is a tricky subject for almost all of us. I’d say about half of us can’t contemplate it at all. The other half of us experience varying levels of discomfort with it, and will have to decide whether or not we feel it is worth it.
Respect that. Don’t expect a trans woman to fulfil your fantasy for you. If she wants to, be grateful. If she doesn’t want to, be grateful for the other things you can do together. (And if you can’t enjoy anything else with her, I’m pretty sure that defines you as a chaser).
If you do have this sort of sex with a trans woman, you’ll almost certainly need to have a talk with her and work out how to do it without triggering her body dysphoria. Listen to her, respect her, and be sensitive.
If you successfully manage all of these pitfalls, though, being penetrated by a woman with a penis can be totally hot. Yay for hot stuff!
(More graphic stuff follows).
One more practical consideration for the interested: anuses take time and care to dilate. If you just jump in, so to speak, it is likely to hurt. I usually prefer to be penetrated by just one finger to start with, going in very slowly. At this point you need a lot of communication along the lines of: “Does it hurt?”, “It’s okay, keep going / slow down / stop / move a bit back for a moment”.
Once doing it with one finger has become comfortable, I usually move onto two fingers. From there, the anus should be dilated enough to accept a standard-sized dildo or a penis.
This definitely depends on individual anuses, and some will be able to take a dildo or a penis straight away, but I think more often than not you’ll need to acclimatise a bit. Do be careful to start with, and avoid getting hurt, because that could turn you off prematurely from receptive anal sex and that would be no fun.
Anyway, to sum up the message of this article: straight men, have receptive anal sex! It’s a valid, exciting form of sex, and it will make you less sexist.
And if you have some horrible reaction to the idea, like “no WAY I could do that!!”, examine that a little. If you react so strongly, that means you are resisting something. If you genuinely didn’t enjoy this kind of sex but had no judgements about it, then you wouldn’t have a strong reaction, you just wouldn’t do it.
So work on your reaction to this, your perception of this, and think about how that reaction reflects on how you view the women who are so often taking the receptive position in sex. If you think being on the receiving end of sex is humiliating, then that means you have an awful view of women by extension. Change that.