Many of you have read my life story. I wrote this article just now and it can be considered a quicker and lighter version (I feel happier now and my writing reflects that), and it also continues my story for the year since I wrote the old one.
I wrote this to two of my friends, Weena and Angie, who the Universe seemed to have sent me to help me cope with my recent heartbreak. Angie is an indigo like me – the next article, I promise*, is about indigos, where I’ll explain, but in short they are people who are born highly spiritual and who feel out of place in this world. Weena identifies as a lightworker but maybe not indigo, but is definitely an old soul, and is equally on my wavelength. I sent them both messages on Facebook when I broke up, which developed into a three-way conversation.
*Update as of 19th January: whoops…
**Update as of 7th April: How to tell if you are indigo
Well… you want to know how my life changed?
I’m from England. Came to Spain 6 years ago with my parents. 1 year ago I moved to Barcelona to get away from my parents.
My parents are so dark… If I see people like them normally I go somewhere else… I have trouble coping with the energy sometimes even of blues… so imagine being forced to live with them… My father has an energy of humiliation about him… so heavy… like he cannot have any self esteem at all. I read him in my third eye now and get the stench of shit… that is what he thinks of himself. Obviously he can’t make anyone else feel good about themselves, so me and my sister both were desperate to do anything, anything to make us worthy. My mother is dead inside, totally disconnected – imagine twenty or thirty years with this guy! But her father was dark so she started out feeling the sort of self-worth you’d need to feel to be with my father. I believe strongly that he is a negative soul – an energetic vampire.
I wanted to run away… or kill myself… I have a memory of trying to commit suicide at age 5…. only I had so little idea of how to go about it it was almost cute, except not… Same for running away in fact.. it was all so hopeless for me. Oh my, if only I could have had a connection – if only I could have had spirit guides to tell me what the hell was going on! Maybe the worst was thinking my whole life would be like that, or worse… I actually thought it was going to get worse, because I saw adults were forced to work more hours than children were… oh how horrible…
So they are both atheists these people. In the blog I mentioned in the indigo thread, this lady who helps indigos get to the light says that being able to talk about metaphysical stuff is so important, like the thing that makes the difference between an indigo growing up more or less OK or not. Well, my parents said I could have whatever beliefs I want, insisted on it in fact, but I knew they thought spiritual people were idiots so I became atheist after a short while. I do remember I was interested in spiritual stuff as a kid. My sis too. I even had clairvoyant dreams. But I suppressed all that.
So I was brought up to be this amazing scientist, right, and I was a great intellectual, very bored in school and quite arrogant (seeing as I felt like I was a piece of shit). But at about 15 I thought “so what thing is most important to use my intellect on?” and started searching for what the secret of happiness is.
It took me years to break my atheism… really I only managed it about a year ago. So like three years ago I read Steve Pavlina with his semi-mystical stuff which kind of challenged me to change my beliefs. Then “The Power of Now” which got me into spirituality – I didn’t believe in spirits but I did see that the book knew better how to make people happy than psychology… in fact I perceived that no-one was happy really to the extent I was looking for it so it was no surprise that there was this thing called “enlightenment” which hardly anyone achieves….
Then finally Erin showed me that psychic abilities existed and by extension I had to believe in everything, reincarnation, spirits, everything.
I was two whole years in my parents’ house deeply depressed. I even went insane for a while. Finally I had the call with Erin and she told me that my parents were part of the energy that was holding me down. She told me I was a beautiful, loving, powerful soul – very powerful she said – only with a “shell” of darkness. Imagine thinking you are the most disgusting worthless piece of shit ever and then hearing that!
Ahhh…! It was so hard..
So I grabbed my stuff and went straight to France… running away from my parents like they were demons…….. then ended up in Barcelona a little more than a year ago.
I was NOT in a good shape… I was depressed… or maybe bipolar was a better word as I kept meditating and managed to get moments of ecstasy, but then I crashed again.. Horrible anger too, shame and pain… Low self esteem, unable to get a job (you know indigos hate jobs)… my parents sent me some money, and things worked out… I only slept on the street a couple of times… spent some months in squats.
In January I met the first indigo I’d ever known, Aris. She was like me.. but worse. Totally bipolar too. She had run away from her parents and eventually had to resort to prostitution. Now the universe was supporting her but she was still badly off. One of the best psychics I’d ever known. She helped me feel OK being me. We were going to meet up in the summer.
A month after I met her she died in a sailing accident. I don’t think it’s any mistake. I think she was suffering too much here and her soul threw in the towel. I’m glad she came to see me first though.
I eventually got tied up in a sect called “Amor y Ser” because of my low self esteem and lack of connection with reality. Pablo, this guy who wanted to pass himself off as enlightened, strung me along as a student… telling people I was schizophrenic. He used a nicer term when he talked to me of my “problem”, though I can see he wanted an eternal patient so that he could be the high and mighty spiritual healer for ever.
Funny enough he showed me reiki..:D The bastard did it well… I don’t know what demons helped him in that. But when I decided to go professional on my freestyle energy healing he didn’t like it and I let him FUCK HIMSELF.
So Christian was there in this sect… not part of it, but hanging out there… see he was living with Pablo because he had looked for vegans to share a flat with, and some of Pablo’s hippy flatmates were vegan (ahh this idiot tried to tell me it was perfectly spiritual to eat meat… what a bastard… I was indigo enough not to listen to him OK, he just affected me so long as I needed someone to help me continue believing I was a piece of shit)
Christian is my best friend now in Barcelona. He’s indigo and in fact he introduced me to what indigos are. Well, we worked together in a vegan restaurant for a while. (Just me, him and one more person – no bosses. Ahh. Pity it didn’t work out). This vegan restaurant was like part of the sect or “association” as they called it – Christian got in because he saw there was a great opportunity to do something independent.
So we were spending a lot of time together, we made friends very fast when we were in the restaurant together. And he pointed out things to me about Pablo. Like how he had lied about being able to sleep 4 hours a night. Little things like that. I eventually got the idea and got into a HUGE argument with Pablo, telling him everything I thought of him. And I left.
So in all this time I’ve been with various girls in short intense relationships, each time realising that I had more love to give than the girl had for me. The last time was with Iris, who was indigo and finally had about as much love as me… but she was too wounded to give it and take it all. She let me get close but if I got TOO close she’d get scared and push me away, tell me she needed space to think, or even tell me we were breaking up… but then later we’d get back again, because she needed me like I needed her. Finally she had sex with another man to show me she didn’t want me getting too close… which killed me as you know.
I think with all these girls I was learning self-love… burning off karma I guess you could say. As soon as I broke up with Iris there was a flood of love and support I’d never known. And I am talking with you now, which as Weena pointed out, obviously means I intuit that I am NOT worthless