It’s been a while since I’ve posted, so I feel I should write something down at least.
I actually think my lack of activity in recent days has not been due to a lack of things to write about, but overwhelm with an excess of things to write about. Perhaps I shouldn’t try to write them all down, aim for “good” rather than that seductive unattainable “perfect” and just get started on whatever comes out first.
So I’ve had a long two months of gender transition. It’s been emotionally very intense time, so intense I’ve had to struggle to find a way of slowing it down into something I could cope with. I’m starting to find a better pace. I needed to get over a lot of fears and try and see this as a long term thing, as well as connect with more root energy and improve my sense of organisation and focus. Focusing strongly on one thing at a time has been key for me.
It’s also helped a lot to get out and talk with other transwomen to get a feel for the process. Maybe just getting to feel it as something more “normal” has helped me chill out too. Just seeing, “Oh, here are other girls going through the same stuff, they’ve got the same fears and struggles as me, the months and years have passed and they’ve made their progress, I guess I’ll be okay after all.”
I’ve become a lot more sure about my path. Occasionally I have these “Am I really trans??” thoughts still, but I try to think about how I would be if I tried to live as a man and I really come up with a blank. “Maybe,” I think, “If I were a man I’d be the kind of man who wears dresses as a way of making a statement and expressing his freedom to be as he wants to be. I’d be the kind of man who makes feminine gestures even though he doesn’t identify as gay. I’d wear mascara… okay and some lipstick too… and I want to keep my soft gentle sounding voice… heck and I could even take hormones just because I like how it would change my body…” So……. the female kind of man, I guess.
I’ve stopped panicking about the fact that I’m still not sure enough to make a life changing decision. I’m pretty damn sure, and that last bit of sureness will definitely come in its own time. In the meantime I think I should stop driving myself up the wall trying to force an answer.
These weeks I’ve experienced some deep psychological changes. Such that I wonder if I actually could go back if I wanted to. I really doubt I could.
I like men a lot more now. I mean a LOT more. I don’t think I like women much less, but my attraction for men has went through the roof.
I don’t know how to explain it but I think my attraction has something to do with the couple involved. I think I’m attracted to being a part of male-female sex, or female-female sex, but not male-male sex. I can find male-male sex hot from the outside, but as a man being with another man was not very attractive to me.
I think I can explain it this-wise: as a man, when I was having sex with women, I think I subconsciously jumped into the woman’s body with my consciousness, eased by my empathy and the disconnection I had from my own body, and enjoyed it from that perspective. I’m not entirely sure if this is the case, though I do remember imagining myself as the woman in male-female sex when watching porn since quite a long time ago.*
—– *Curiously I’ve been accumulating accounts of transsexual people whose sexuality changed as they transitioned, though in very unpredictable ways: as well as straight men becoming straight women, I’ve heard two cases of homosexual people becoming homosexual in their new gender identity – that is switching the sex they are attracted to despite it being both inconvenient and unexpected. I’ve also heard a case of a lesbian who became bisexual and started to like men after becoming a man. Asides from this, of course, there are plenty of trans people who retain the sex they are attracted to and go from being straight to gay or from being gay to straight as you’d expect. All this is a nutty, unpredictable mess and not at all intuitive. —–
Nowadays anyway I find it really hard to have sex in ways that affirm male aspects of me. For instance, while I still have a purely physical urge to use my penis in sex, I actually find it very uncomfortable after a very short time. It’s mentally jarring somehow; I start to feel kind of sick to my stomach.
Realising that I can’t have sex as I used to has been quite an impact. It’s like, “woah, this is real!!”. It also effectively burns that safety net I had which said that I could go back on this at any time. Unless there’s some way of changing my gender identity – putting aside the question of if I’d want to – then it seems like I’m already committed to going all the way. Because, naturally, being unable to use my penis in the normal way takes away all the desire I could have for having a penis and makes getting surgery a LOT more attractive… almost a necessity.
So I’m very impatient right now to start on hormones. I think I’ll start as soon as I can, though that’ll be in several months’ time for sure as I have to get through the whole process of going through the health system and so on. I’m thinking that if any doubt remains, hormones will probably help me see whether I am trans or not. Seeing as I have no idea exactly what I could possibly be if I’m not trans, the risk here would be minimal and could be worth it.
Apart from that, I’ve been continuing to experiment with clothes and have got into a pretty nice groove. I’m enjoying learning about combining styles and colours and getting in the right accessories. Tomorrow I plan to get my hair cut a bit, something that’s been on my to-do list for a long time, and touch up my eyebrows again. I love it <3
I seem to be going under the radar mostly in day to day life. I don’t know how many people realise I’m trans, but some people definitely do seem not to notice at all. I’ve started to have less troubles on the street from transphobic people as from dumbass wolf-whistlers and other people who want to objectify women. That’s definitely been an eye-opening experience, but that’s for another post.
I’ve really, really wanted to record myself talking. In fact a lot of the content of this post is what I’ve been trying to get down in video for a while now. Unfortunately something that should be really easy has turned out to be frustratingly difficult due to some maddening difficulties with youtube and my webcam. So, I’ve decided to start saving up for a video camera, jointly with my friend Christian with whom I plan to do some comedy stuff (world, watch out). If all goes to plan we’ll get it in two months’ time. I’m excited about this; perhaps my webcam not working was just the excuse I needed to go for this upgrade. About four years ago, Erin Pavlina explicitly told me I needed a webcam to express my soul’s mission. It took me that long to become a vibrational match, but everything has its moment. So, yeah, I’m psyched. 🙂
Hope you’ve enjoyed reading, I’ll try to write up something else on Monday if I can. Also, tomorrow is LGBT pride! Woohoo! It’ll be my first 🙂