After two years, I’m choosing now to unpublish my self published book “Stubborn Soul”. Stubborn Soul was an autobiographical book detailing my harsh and unusual life until I was 18 years old.
I suppose my decision might seem strange. Why remove your book, even if it doesn’t sell well, when it doesn’t take energy to maintain and occasionally gives you a bit of money here and there?
Such reasoning held me back for some time, but in the end I have surrendered to the fact that having my book there just doesn’t feel right.
I wrote my book when I was still fully in the grip of self hatred. In a way, it was a therapy for me to write it, but finishing it wasn’t a release. It still felt like a hunk of self hatred. Even if there might have been some other value in it, its first and foremost purpose was a confessional – in fact, it was a way to continue to beat myself up.
I felt uncomfortable with the thought of people reading it, but I thought I should ignore that discomfort. I didn’t see value such a feeling, didn’t respect it, especially since I couldn’t see a rational reason for it. That was self violence.
Now I have healed very much of my self violence, I no longer have the old motivation for keeping it up. I now feel the need to honour that feeling of discomfort.
It’s not exactly a secret that I have done bad things in my past. However, it seems somehow twisted to go into them all in such detail. Perhaps if I did it now with the energy of self forgiveness behind my actions, the book would help others with self forgiveness. As it is, however, I’m skeptical that the book would help anyone very much. Maybe it would in spite of itself, but still, the deciding factor for me is that it has the wrong intentions behind it.
For the sake of making sure my past actions have no power over me, I’ll quickly outline the worst things I’ve done (saving you from the gruesome detail of the book):
– When I was a child, I was at times a school bully, despite thinking of myself as “the good guy”.
– I was extremely socially dysfunctional as a teenager, and got into the online Seduction Community (Pick Up Artistry) as a way of trying to find answers. (Note: I’m transgender and lived as male then). I harassed women, trying to seduce them or “chat them up” more or less obviously, with no awareness of how inappropriate I was being.
– Seduction literature encouraged me to feel like I was entitled to sex and that women were “holding it back” from me. Out of continued sexual frustration and this growing entitlement I aggressively fondled a girl’s butt who went to school with me.
– I had sex with a prostitute to “remove my fear of sex” (another seduction community idea).
– I called up a girl who I understood was interested in me and masturbated over the phone for her without stopping to see if she would be into it. She didn’t hang up at least.
– I quit school, spent two years alone in my parent’s house, and went mad for about a week. One thing I believed while I was mad was that I experienced telepathic sex with someone in a crowd. I also believed I could grow wings through force of willpower. I was megalomaniac and thought I had discovered the Theory of Everything (including magic).
I was saved by a call with Erin Pavlina, who let me know that I was a beautiful person inside and had a “dirty shell”. She convinced me to leave my parents’ house, whereupon I started my long journey to recovery. She prophesied that it was “all about self love and self forgiveness. All of it”, which I took years to understand.
I’m now finally becoming free of my past. I’m able to see Erin’s vision of me as a beautiful person, and all of that dark stuff as a sort of coccoon which I have broken out of. Now I’m coming closer to living my actual life purpose, and talking about my dark coccoon is not really part of it. I don’t want to distract my readers with it. What is important is the person I am now.
I believe I’m a very unique person. I don’t know many who feel such an intense, clear sense of purpose as me. Autobiographies are most often useful for those who can identify with them, and I suspect that in this case few actually will.
I believe that this decision will allow me to feel unconflicted about working on my blog and books again. I am currently working on finding new motivations for my writing, but I believe I will find them, with some modifications to my approach. Probably then my writing quality and output will go up. I’ll be clear on why I’m writing, and that means I’ll be better placed to fulfil those goals. After all, if you have no clear goal, how can you reach it?