I made some – I think – thoughtful facebook updates about my recent process in transsexuality. I thought I’d post them here for the interest of my readers, and for posterity’s sake, besides.
Woke up feeling like a gorilla.
Shaved. Looked in the mirror. Felt like a gorilla.
Showered. Brushed my hair. Looked in the mirror. Felt like a gorilla.
Put on my makeup. Felt like a gorilla.
Whispered “my name is Sophia” several times in my female voice. Felt a bit like… a gorilla.
Put on a nice blouse and brushed my hair into a nice style.
Felt like Sophia. ♥
I love how much softer, gentler my attitude is now I don’t feel I have to overcompensate on masculinity to fit in as a man.
As a man, many parts of myself were at war. As a woman, many of those parts are finding peace.
I notice particularly how, previously, I saw or felt dating as a kind of war. I even saw the illogic of that, and how it was harming me and sometimes others, and I made some improvements by becoming conscious of that but it didn’t disappear entirely.
Now there’s a new peace in me I never had around dating. I can see people who I think might have dating potential, but I don’t have that pushy man-energy trying to get something to happen almost at all costs.
I guess it has something to do with how I can appreciate women so much more as female friends and enjoy that so much I don’t need to do anything else with them. Maybe it’s because they can now see me for what I am, a woman, and not expect me to be battling for their vagina, and open up, and let me share this peaceful girly energy with them. As for possible romantic relationships with men, that’s a whole new dimension I expect to explore in the not too distant future…
With romantic prospects, or, as I prefer to call them now, “people”, I know and this time actually FEEL that whatever happens, happens, and there isn’t actually any outcome that is better than any other. Everyone is as they are, and the connection develops as it is, as it will.
I am still not sure what did it, but I think my previous imbalance in dating was part of the whole complex of problems caused by trying to be a man when I wasn’t. This one massive knot just opened itself up and unravelled in one decisive cut.
Changed my twitter profile: “Indigo adult, transsexual, vegan, believer in unschooling, dreamer of a gift economy, polyamorous, boss free, fairy pirate princess.”
It’s nice how twitter forces you to think succinctly. I like this as a summary of what I’m about 🙂
It’s comforting to consider that if I could change my body magically, with no hardship or responsibility about having it right forever (e.g. it could also be magically reversible), I would not think even a second about doing it. Seriously, I would say “Yes!!” absolutely immediately.
From this thought it seems pretty clear that most of my doubts related to changing are to do with a healthy respect for so much work and responsibility. I don’t think there can be any doubt I want to be a woman. I think I just freak out a little at all the implications of it.
Got my first stupid message from a straight man after changing to female on OKCupid. I should consider it an initiation into womanhood XD
I want to wear a wedding dress for no reason.