Ever since writing my last article about my experience taking female hormones, I’ve experienced a few days feeling what I can only describe as a sense of euphoria.
I’m not sure how much of this feeling is purely chemical – probably a bit, but I think moreover I’m going through some very major psychological changes.
I think the act of writing that last article was kind of a release for me. Seeing all of these changes put down to words, I truly felt the realness of them. And I began to feel just how happy, joyous, ecstatic I am over these changes.
I love taking hormones. I love what is happening to me. It’s amazing. It is so amazing.
I’m happier about this than I ever expected to be.
When I started my transition, my trans-ness was buried deep. Before starting, I framed it as an experiment; and around the time I started, I was still not 100% sure it wasn’t an experiment anymore. It took a year or so to convince myself I could take hormones. Then, it took a month of hormones to realise that this was not just good for me, but essential.
I didn’t think it was essential for a long time. I was doing okay before delving into my trans-ness. It didn’t seem like a life-or-death issue (it is for many people). In fact, Erin Pavlina said in my last psychic reading with her that it wasn’t absolutely necessary. That seemed reasonable enough at the time. I now think that she was wrong.
At the beginning of my transition, I was almost scared I was taking away from the seriousness of trannsexuality by affirming my chosen gender even though it didn’t feel like a life or death issue (at the time). I had never considered suicide because of my trans-ness, and I had even spent 20 years not even knowing I was trans!
Nowadays I know this means nothing. I just buried my trans-ness really deep – that is all.
I’ve come to realise recently that my trans-ness wasn’t even less intense than that of others – though I had thought so. It was just more hidden. If I didn’t experience any crises because of it, it was because I had found a shaky equilibrium of neuroses and counter-neuroses. These kept me in a stable state of mild dysfunction.
Stability – too often this is confused with good health.
I suspect that, like many other trans people in my situation, the crisis would have come up years later. The only way out was to delve into my transgenderism willingly, which, luckily, I did.
Come to think of it, how can my trans-ness be less than that of others? How can I be only a “bit” trans? It’s like saying I’m only a “bit” of a woman. I don’t think that makes sense.
Now, with the changes hormones have brought me, the joy I’ve felt has both cleared out my insecurities and made me realise how very important transitioning is to me. I feel suddenly so much more at peace, so much more comfortable with myself. It’s like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
I think back and I realise that this weight was there all my life, even if I didn’t know it at the time. I can’t say exactly how things would have been different if I didn’t have this issue, but I know they would have been different. I think a lot of my struggles, depressions, and suffering, all of which I framed in terms of other issues, would at least have been lighter.
These last few days, I can feel the difference in my body. I can feel how I’ve lost this big “weight”, this negative energy. The area in my back where that energy was lodged feels light like it never was, tingly even. I think my euphoria must have come from the sudden transmutation of it.
It’s like there has been a really big chain reaction. Hormones have given me certainty. And certainty has let me finally let my guard down. It’s let me really, really accept that this is who I am. That, in turn, has given me release.
Being trans feels more “real” somehow. Both because I’m seeing changes, and because I’m letting myself see a future where I am totally female in every way. That prospect excites me very much.
Perhaps I should stop to take a breath 🙂
I felt I needed to write another post about this topic so soon because so much has changed even in these last few days. Even my face, I think, looks a bit different. Maybe I’m imagining it? I don’t know, I think I’m not.
I am quite sure about the emotional changes that hormones have brought about in me, now. I watched a video the other day (my favourite video), which I’ve seen maybe four or five times. The first four or five times I saw it, I probably cried a bit at the most intense points. This time, I was crying almost continuously through the video.
Yesterday I also spent a very long time being almost stupidly in love with my partner. There was no particular reason why I was feeling so deeply in love at that time, but I was. And I still feel like that when I gaze at them now.
These are two examples; there were more cases, little ones, but I can’t remember them now. But overall I’m sure: I’m feeling more. My emotions seem stronger more often, but at the same time quite gentle, giving me the sensation that the strong energy that is running through me isn’t going to cause me any damage. And sure enough, the feelings end cleanly, without much in the way of lingering residues.
This is pleasing to me; I feel more alive, more myself. And of course, more womanly.
My flatmate asked me if I was more into guys now. (For newcomers: I’m bisexual but have tended towards the lesbian end of the scale). I said I didn’t think much had changed; I had been checking out some guys at Roskilde festival but that probably wasn’t much new to me. A little while after that conversation, though, I realised that even as we were talking, my eyes had ever-so-naturally – without me noticing really – been lingering over his topless body.
Oh, also: my complexion has cleared up. I used to have the most clogged-up pores on my nose and the skin on either side of my nose. Now that has pretty much gone. I think this may be part of the reason why I think my face looks more feminine, too.
I think I have less pimples on my face and body. I’m not sure, but it’s one of the changes I’ve been expecting, and it does look that way so far.
I think these changes happened about at the same time as my skin became softer a few days ago.
Going back to the psychological, these last couple of days I’ve been noticing and dealing with more unconscious patterns which I picked up so I wouldn’t be attacked for not being “manly” enough. Patterns in my speech, in my expression. Because I now feel more sure of my trans-ness, it seems easier to lower these barriers and be more myself.
I noticed in my speech, for instance, that I often use phrases like “this is the best thing in the world” as a facade of masculinity. Years ago, I stopped using more emotive phrases (I think this is so good, I like it so much) because of what people would think.
Now I feel more comfortable letting out that effusive feminine side even more than I have been doing already. I feel sure enough about my womanhood that that old fear is no longer so daunting.
In general, I’m finding I’m breaking down onion layers of my psychological “stuff” that a few years ago I never even knew I had. I’m so glad I got into this path; I had no idea what I was getting in for, but that was the fun of it, right? And it turned out to be so much more important than I had ever imagined.
I believe that I’m only just getting a taste, now, what this psychological shift will mean for me. I believe that in the future I will be incredibly much freer, more functional, and happier. I think problems that I used to have will no longer be problems. I am not sure what exactly my new self will look like; what life will be like in a few years. But I’m excited to find out.
I’m wondering what personal lessons this could give to my non-trans readers. Some time ago, I stopped holding back on writing about my transness, and since then I’ve been having faith that my experiences are relevant to others, no matter what their gender status is. So how is this article relevant to others?
I’m guessing that it shows you how things can be buried deep in your psyche. How important it is to explore yourself, take risks and go with what you feel. I guess it provides a model for self-reconstruction.
Not everyone will do something so radical as change their sex, but I think everyone can find self-transformation relevant. There are so many ways we are all lying to ourselves, and so much good we can do by facing up to that and changing that. You may not even realise how much of a “weight” of negative energy you are carrying around, and how much that is subtly affecting your life. You can only change that by being really honest with yourself, and making changes.
Incidentally, I think this also shows that the best therapy is the practical stuff. You can talk and think about your issues all you like, but if you don’t go out and do what you need to do – in my case transition my gender – then the issues will just sit there and not budge, whatever you do. I know that I tried all I could to shift that “weight” which I perceived in me, but it was only by getting off my butt and putting myself out there in the real world that I could make a real difference.
So think about what this means to you. I think it might be surprising how much you can really take away from it.