I promised to write about my spiritual experience with MDMA *months* ago. Well, a promise is a promise, and I think this was good writing material besides.
Maybe it was good to give myself time to cool off about this before writing. My unfinished first attempt at this post was a bit too ravey and excited. So maybe my lateness has some sense to it; maybe this is why I took so long. Well, whatever the reason, here I am now.
I tried MDMA a few months back when I was in the UK. I was talking with a friend, an old school friend who I was meeting again for the first time in 8 years. Let’s call him “A.F.”.
It was pretty cool to see how his character had developed, just as mine had. I think we now had more in common than we used to. Or is it that I was more able to see the things we had in common, having gotten over my weird style of semi-autism? Or did we just have more to talk about? Well, anyhow.
We were driving, pretty fast, down the motorway. It was night and House music was blaring from A.F.’s stereo. A.F. was telling me about House music, being a DJ, photography and drugs.
I’ve always, especially in recent times, kind of identified as the “sort of person who doesn’t take drugs”, though not in a radical way. Drugs didn’t seem very attractive to me and the risks, not worth it. I’d tried weed just once before and had a terrible negative reaction (about 24 hours of near-total paralysis, slowing down of my perception of time, and immense discomfort). I’d thought that that would be the last experience I had with drugs.
But, the way A.F. described MDMA to me made me feel a sense of comfort. He had this down-to-earth practical vibe about drug use and had done a lot of research. He also knew where to get pure, unadulterated MDMA. As he explained, most of the problems with MDMA come from adulterated forms. (By the way, the adulterated, street forms are more likely to go by the more well-known name of ecstasy).
MDMA is not an addictive drug – at least not inherently addictive, not more addictive than any great experience can be. It works like “synthetic serotonin” as A.F. explained to me, basically causing the body to produce the chemicals that signal pleasure and wellbeing. The effect is pretty light, much the same as the seratonin “glow” caused by healthy living, exercise, sunlight, sex, laughter, and so on.
In most people it has the effect of making them very social, open and friendly. It makes them “touchy-feely”, wanting to have close contact with others. It also tends to make them want to dance a lot, almost impulsively. For this reason it’s popular in discos.
It’s also popular in spiritual circles and with underground psychotherapy. This is because it tends to make you feel very loving, forgiving and spiritually connected, and also tends to help you talk about your feelings, “open up” so to speak, which is great for processing them, clearing blocks and gaining self knowledge.
The side effects are few, but include gnashing of teeth (probably connected to that same slight twitchiness that makes you want to dance) and the suppression of the urge to pee. Gnashing of teeth can be improved with supplemental magnesium, which helps relax the muscles. As for peeing, you can just make yourself pee every so often if you’re having a long trip and try to avoid drinking too much water. The risk is overhydration which can be dangerous, but it’s no problem if you just act with some simple awareness. The only way you could harm yourself is to drink litres and litres of water without peeing.
You can also get a bit of a low dip, emotionally, a couple of days after the drug effect has wore off. MDMA users call this the “Tuesday blues” (that’s when the dip would arrive if you were doing MDMA over the weekend). A.F., who takes moderate doses in moderate intervals, says he doesn’t get much or any of a low dip.
Well, this is all that I learnt from A.F.. Perhaps because I’m an unusual and intense person, I ended up having quite a different experience, both in the good and the bad. (The overall experience was very good). But I’ll get to that.
We decided that for safety I’d take half a normal dose first just to see how it affected me. I also made a “free hugs” sign – I was worried that if MDMA made most people uncontrollably huggy, an already intensely huggy person like me could turn into some kind of hug-monster.
OK, ready. We went to the disco.
Actually, I didn’t notice anything much. Except that I slowly warmed up to dancing despite not feeling like it in the beginning. But that could have happened easily without the drug.
We went back to A.F.’s place and I took another half dose to bring me up to a full dose. This time, I did notice something about when the drug was supposed to “come up” — though it was a very light sensation. No wonder I would have missed it in the sensory overload of the disco.
A.F. put on some music so we could dance, though after a while I asked him to turn it off cause I really wasn’t feeling much like dancing – or at least I didn’t feel like I *needed* to dance. No gnashing of teeth, no itch to move – actually I wasn’t feeling that much. If anything, a warmth in my body, like I had just spent a while in the sun. Pleasant, but not out of this world. I felt a bit let down.
There were some cool effects. I noticed how I became perhaps more loving and serene. I found it easy to open up about my inner processes, to have an intimate conversation. I felt forgiveness more easily. And possibly I felt slightly more into giving physical affection like hugs and stuff.
The thing is I already am those things most of the time. I think that instead of MDMA doubling my openness and the other personal qualities it affects, it was mostly made redundant because I already had those qualities. Despite my fears, I wasn’t made into a rampaging hug monster. I could respect personal boundaries both on the drug and off the drug. And both on and off the drug, I could enjoy intimate contact but could take it or leave it.
So there was that, though as I said it wasn’t so strong. The night would have been uneventful had I not discovered something. Something pretty amazing.
As an experiment, I tried meditating. I went inside and felt into this slight warmth from the MDMA that was lingering on the inside of my body. And – I don’t know, almost as an experiment again – I tried making it expand and move about my body.
And – wow. That’s when it all started.
Pretty much instantly, I found that I could make myself have a total, full body orgasm in a matter of seconds. It was one of the most intensely pleasurable experiences I’ve ever had. And it’s only because I’ve had a pretty amazing life that I can say it’s not THE most intensely pleasurable experience.
Over the next minutes and hours, I played with the pleasure. I had absolute control of it – in a little test I did I found I could bring myself from zero to screaming orgasm in 2 seconds. I could keep orgasming constantly, though I eventually decided that it was more fun to keep the pleasure at a slow burn just short of orgasm.
I felt a great sense of love and connectedness and spiritual release. Actually the coolest thing was to look inside myself and see that there were no boundaries – that my inner self in some way was infinite, could go on ever deeper forever. That was a feeling of freedom, like flying, like soaring.
The effects of MDMA such as lovingness and forgiveness increased once I’d discovered how to make the drug’s effect expand inside me. I felt peace and absolute acceptance of everything and everyone, including myself. Seeing as self acceptance is one of my big issues, this was a particularly nice effect.
I noticed I became much more sensitive to spiritual/energetic vibrations. For instance, the negative vibrations of swearwords became really obvious to me. Some came out of me by habit, but I soon learned to suppress them as they felt so clearly wrong.
Things like violence and aggression became much harder to tolerate, too. I found I couldn’t make some of the crude jokes I’m occasionally partial to. Better said, I became so much more aware of their energetic vibration that I just didn’t want to make them.
Me and A.F. went back to watching a violent movie we had started at one point and I found that after just a minute or so of watching, the drug effect faded in me and I felt the need to pee, which I hadn’t felt for hours. After peeing I switched off the movie and meditated to bring myself back up to a higher vibration — and the drug’s effect returned.
For these few hours, I was basically tripping out. I was playing with the feeling, causing myself to orgasm in different intensities and in different ways, and exploring the spiritual connection I felt. A.F. was being really patient about having a constantly orgasming person in his house constantly enthusing about the different things they could do with the drug effects.
Actually – this is a bit embarassing but I should report it – I thought I had been enlightened and was also convinced that I could keep the drug effects going permanently. I was raving about this to A.F., too :p
In practise, I was able to bring back the drug effects with some focus later on, though not as completely or as easily as I’d have liked. I eventually stopped trying much as I found that I was screwing with my first chakra (sense of stability) by pushing myself so hard. Though I can still cause myself to orgasm for hours on end in special conditions, usually after I reach a certain level of ecstasy through deep, spiritual lovemaking.
That sense of inner limitlessness, having no boundaries, still fascinates me, too. MDMA definitely helped my spiritual advancement, I’m sure of that. I can meditate deeper and more easily than I used to be able to, now. It’s easier for me to connect with that sense of limitlessness. Though, I’m pretty sure I’m not enlightened (if that exists). Spiritually advanced? Yes, I think so, though not enlightened.
Well, the drug effects continued for a few hours as you’d expect. I stayed on a high, able to control the intensity, for quite a while, until I fell asleep. Upon waking up, most of the effect was gone and it was much harder to try to bring it back. I managed to reach orgasm by meditating once in the 24 hour period after the effect wore off. I guess it also didn’t help that I had had very little peace that day. I wanted to sit and meditate all day but didn’t really have the chance.
In the couple of days that followed I was still obsessing about it and I think that was a mistake. I should have gracefully accepted the gift from the Universe without trying to make it last forever. But I was still so convinced I could have the effects without needing the drug that I just kept trying and trying.
Two days after taking MDMA I found myself extremely light headed and dizzy. At one point I almost fainted. At one or two moments I noticed a feeling of disconnection from reality that rather scared me, as it reminded of how I’d felt when I’d lost my grip that one time.
I looked inside myself and had a shock. My first chakra (stability, connection with reality) was in a mess.
I think that was mainly because of my over-pushing myself to return to the high states of spiritual ecstasy. In future, if I ever try this again, I’ll be more aware of the need to ground myself and take things easy after such an intense trip. I should have eaten a lot – which I didn’t – and should have spent time doing relaxed, physical things to bring me back down to reality. What I shouldn’t have done was obsess about achieving something spiritual and ignore my physical needs.
As soon as I noticed the abuse I’d put my first chakra through, I managed to improve a lot. I did some self-work to reroute my energies back to the first chakra, and to heal it. This was quite quick and the effects were very noticeable; I became much less light headed. Then, I guess, I started doing the self-care I should have done as soon as my experience had finished.
I’ve since talked to another spiritually-inclined person who reported the similar problems with their first chakra (though in their case it was after very sustained use, not a single intense time as with me).
I figure this is probably more an issue for people like me who tend to be challenged when it comes to staying grounded and having a strong first chakra. We need to remember to be on the “ground” but MDMA keeps us in the “sky”. For some people who have the opposite problem and are normally too much on the “ground”, spiritual drugs may actually be a good thing in this respect.
I figure drugs can just kind of add a bit of extra chaos into your life. For many, chaos is good. It means learning, perspectives, new inspirations, a primordial soup, a fertile ground for new creations to sow themselves. Well, for everyone, this kind of chaos can be good. Except that some people have enough of it already, and some people have too much. It’s all about balance. Too much and you get swept up in it. It’s essential to combine this chaos with stability and grounding. Not as a conflicting, either-or thing. As a compliment, a necessary counterbalance to it.
When people asked me about drugs as spiritual facilitators before, this was the answer I gave, intuitively. And now I have some experience to back it up. I don’t regret taking MDMA but I do have a huge respect for it, even more so now than before.
There’s one thing I haven’t mentioned yet. At the end of my MDMA trip, when I was just on the border between sleep and consciousness, I found I could reach my spirit guides from this place and get some very clear, very lucid answers. It’s a pity that I didn’t write them down because I forgot most of them when I woke up. But the spirit guides told me that MDMA was a strong accelerator for my spiritual growth. They also told me, if I remember right, not to take it again. Well, we will see. (I’ll stay connected to my intuition with any future decisions on this, so I’m sure I’ll get that advice again if I need it).
There have been lasting effects from my spiritual experience with MDMA. As well as the ability to occasionally orgasm with nothing but the power of my mind, I’ve felt a general improvement in my vibration and sensitivity to vibrations. I have the feeling like I’m generally “lighter”, walking around with less weight of the past hanging on my shoulders. I seem to have sloughed it off.
I’ve also gained a new perspective on happiness and spiritual development.
I’ve come to see this seratonin glow to be something not only pleasurable but spiritually beneficial. I think that feeling good inside in this way is deeply connected to, almost synonymous with, having a high vibration. Because of this, I see a new importance in some things: being lighthearted and avoiding excess seriousness, being peaceful and avoiding violence and crudeness, and generally gravitating towards anything that has a positive vibe. While most of these things usually won’t change much on the physical plane, they mean a lot energetically.
I think cultivating a positive internal environment to be an important goal. Simple things like exercise, sun and healthy living could have a lot of positive effects. And perhaps – I’m hoping – I’ll eventually be able to get to the point where my body is full of enough seratonin that I can raise myself to orgasm and high states frequently, even in everyday life.
Could this be, or be connected to, enlightenment?
I don’t know – probably not. But to spirituality? I’m sure it is.