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September 7, 2012
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September 15, 2012

Reducing Your Dating Pool Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Getting Less Dates


Expanded from a recent Facebook post. —

Before I went poly, I spent a couple of years being basically owned by the fear of not finding anyone if I limited myself to only poly partners. When I finally had the courage to commit myself to poly anyway, poly people came out of the woodwork somehow. Suddenly there were way more poly people around than I had thought… and cute, compatible, willing ones too. Not only did I not lose out on my love life as I’d thought I would, my love life improved.

I spent only a couple of months single in all of my life as a committed polyamorist, with two main relationships in that time and several smaller ones. And they were MUCH better than previous relationships. It was SO good not to have to go against my true self for the sake of love.

In a similar way, at the beginning of my gender transition, I had a huge fear of being lesbian and not being able to find partners in my consequently smaller dating pool. It was one of the bigger fears causing me to doubt myself and think about turning back.


Now, almost as if in answer to those fears, I’ve been proven wrong. I found a wonderful partner in practically no time after my last breakup, totally smashing my fears that it’d be hard to find someone who would be into me in my new identity. She both loves me as a woman and loves me as a male-bodied person, with no reservations about either.

Again it’s SO much better to be with someone who loves you as you are. It’s just not worth covering up who you are in order to be open for more potential partners. The ones who love who you are are the ones who are good for you anyway.

In answer to my fears that it’d be hard to find lesbians or bisexual women to connect with, I suddenly started noticing them everywhere. Just appearing in my social circle randomly and from all directions. And cool ones too; the sort of people I’d want to be friends with. Not at all hard to think that I could find a partner in such an environment.

Twice in just a month I had a thought like “she’s so cute, too bad she probably just likes guys” only to be proven wrong. One of them is now my girlfriend.

I had that thought about a girl I was crushing on like crazy recently – who had a boyfriend. Not only did she turn out to be bisexual, but polyamorous too. (If you’re reading this now, hiii! I haven’t come out as having a crush on you yet!! But I will, I promise!!!)

It seems the more you narrow your options in the dating world, the more you seem to just accidentally stumble into just the sort of people who would be compatible for you. At least that’s how it’s been for me. ♥

Now I’m beginning to be more comfortable with the identifier of lesbian. I’m still not sure if I am or not, but it feels OK, even nice to use that term. Like I’m embracing my attraction to women rather than running from it. I don’t feel scared anymore that being a trans lesbian will condemn me to a difficult love life. It feels good to think about my future; I feel confident. Also, “lesbian” just sounds kind of badass and has more of an impact when I pull it out in social settings. (Shallow, I know).

I’m still pretty sure I’ll end up at least somewhat identifying as bisexual but I’m glad to be exploring this side of myself now.


Related

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