This article is an addition to the previous article, where I explain my decision to affirm myself as female. Here I’ll just make some observations which have been passing through my head about my current process in transsexuality.
It took me about two days of serious practise to achieve a female voice. I just resolved to attempt to speak femininely every time I opened my mouth, and through some fine tuning I got it. It basically involved just trying and trying and playing about with how I used my vocal apparatus, rather like learning to whistle.
I have to say I’m very grateful for getting it so fast. The voice is a big difference in people’s eyes between transsexual and wierd transvestite. Or perhaps the difference is in my own eyes. I find it hard to feel like Sophia if I hear a man’s voice coming out of my lips.
Unfortunately, a couple of days ago my female voice started to get hoarse and my throat started hurting, so I have temporarily reverted to just speaking in a male voice and am going to give it maybe a week for my vocal cords to heal. I think, though I haven’t found any very useful resources on this, that I just need to build up the strength in my vocal cords bit by bit and that I overtaxed them this time.
I’m rather bummed about this; dressing feminine but having a male voice I feel faintly ridiculous, like a gorilla in a dress except not THAT ridiculous. It’s also a bit of a slow in my momentum, since I started out with this intense energy and made huge leaps forward but now I’m having to take a couple of steps back. Of course, no-one said this was going to be that easy or fast; I should be thankful it has been as fast as this.
But……… I want to be a fairy pirate princess like nowww.
I’m the sort of person who, in theory, would like to believe that there is no such thing as gender and that it’s all a fabrication and that there is just a big combination of things which tend to get sorted into two different boxes but you can choose freely from if you like. I kind of still believe that. In a way. I most definitely believe in everyone’s freedom to do that and to defy gender and invent their own personal expression exactly as they see fit.
Several people brought up variations of this theme with me. I’d love to agree that there’s no such thing as gender. Except that something inside of me cries out that there definitely is, and I want to be the other one.
I’m not sure what to make of that, but I know reality trumps postulation any day. If I feel something, I feel it.
I’ve noticed an interesting development since I’ve started seeing myself as a woman. I was already bisexual, but I’ve started to find men a little more attractive, and women slightly less attractive or at least less urgently attractive (my sexuality feels a little less aggressive or pushy or needy, which is a rather nice change I think).
In this last week I’ve noticed a serious attraction to a total of three men, and all of them on greater levels I think than I’ve normally experienced before. It’s quite interesting, and quite exciting. It would be wonderful to be able to enjoy men as much as I enjoy women, especially seeing as that way I’ll have a much larger dating pool to choose from – heterosexual men – than if I was just having to focus on bi and lesbian women.
It’s even interesting for another reason – namely, that if I go through with the total change I will have experienced both being a man attracted to women and a woman attracted to men – and will be in an unbeatably priveliged position for commenting on the dynamics between men and women and trying to help us all understand each other better.
Though I’m sure the most interesting experiences are yet to come, I had a noteworthy moment today when I noticed I was attracted to a man who would be absolutely bad for me if I ever gave in and acted on my attraction. An annoying, sexist, rude asshole and absolutely *hot* although I don’t want to ever admit it to him. Ever.
If I turn into one of those women who are always complaining about their boyfriend, …kill me.
As of this writing I’m 99% sure I’m a true blue transsexual. I feel good when I look and feel like a woman. I feel bad when I see myself as a man. At best I can more or less accept manhood; on the other hand I absolutely enjoy womanhood and feel far more comfortable with it.
The trouble is that this is 99% and not 100%. If it were 100% the path ahead would be a little easier to figure out. I’d just take the steps necessary. They’d probably have their hardships, but at least I wouldn’t have uncertainty to deal with.
So long as I have that 1% doing anything that could have a permanent effect is risky. And, a lot of the important things in this path have permanent effects. For one thing, hormones (which I expect to continue after starting) will make it impossible for me to have biological children. They might also make it impossible for me to have an erection: that particular effect depends on the individual. Some can have erections even after hormones, some can’t.
I think I wouldn’t mind too much as I am now. I enjoy passive sex and even am starting to get turned off using my penis for active sex. I know I’m not incapable of enjoying active sex though. And I have to admit that the sensations that a penis gives are wonderful even if psychologically I’m not so into them any more.
But if I stop being able to use my penis for penetrative sex, it wouldn’t be such a big step from there to get an operation and turn a non-functioning penis into a fully functioning vagina. I’d like to! But that is serious stuff.
Both of these things really assume that I don’t change what I want later in life. If I suddenly start really wanting a penis, I’m pretty much f****d.
This is why this little 1% is so annoying, so critical.
I don’t really have any doubts that right now, I would like to have a female body and would give up my penis and my fertility to do it.
I’m pretty sure I would have liked that at any point in my life, if I look back, at least misplaced macho-attitudes in some stages of my life aside.
So… okay, where is the doubt again?
I suppose it’s this: gender fluidity. Of all of the possible doubts that I ran through in my head, even listed, it’s the biggest one.
Gender fluidity is when your gender identity can change over time.
I think the mere existence of this possibility makes permanent gender change a slight risk for anyone. But then, it isn’t THAT common for a cisgender (normally gendered) person to just suddenly decide to go trans, and I think in those cases it’s almost always a case that they’re discovering desires they hid or repressed or just didn’t acknowledge (which I think is my case) and not because they had an internal gender shift. So, I’m thinking it shouldn’t be THAT common for a transgender individual to suddenly change back.
Or so I think. Certainly, I don’t think there’s ever been a time in my life where I wouldn’t have secretly have wanted to be a woman, but the fact that I refused to acknowledge that most of the time makes it hard to tell who I was from my memories.
I *have* had times when I felt more male than other times, though I notice that they tended to be when I was in the vicinity of male friends and I think wanted to fit in. I think I’m very able to be flexible and change my vibe, though I don’t think that I was quite expressing myself as I wanted to.
The fact that I never really felt comfortable around male friends I think says something. I always felt ever so slightly nervous trying to fill the role as the male they saw me as, whereas I feel a sense of comfort among women now that I’ve never felt before as a man among men. I also feel more comfortable among men when they percieve me as a woman, as I don’t feel I have to engage in their particular way of relating.
Well, at some points I’ve overanalysed things and I came to decide just to push ahead and feel my way through. Though I can still see the value in questioning, at times I still think that experience may provide better answers than thought. Karla, one of my greatest emotional supporters in this change, told me on Facebook, “you GLOW as your innerself for fucks sake”.
I liked that 🙂 As more and more experiences like that build up, where I and other people just see that I am happier and more beautiful as this new person I’ve decided to be, I suspect more mental/analytical doubts will become less and less relevant. I can keep up hormone-free transsexuality for as long as I need to while I’m in this stage, and then I when I’m ready I can take the next step.
I’m not finished ruminating on all this I suspect… well in one way or another my change has been practically the exclusive topic of my conversations for a couple of weeks now, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that I’m writing about it on my blog too.
I know I promised a post on MDMA. I haven’t forgotten. 🙂