I have a very strong sense of purpose in this life which kept me from killing myself many times. I haven’t always actually known this purpose but these days its getting clearer.
I call myself a lightworker sometimes though I’d like to disengage my ego from that a bit. I play with an advantage in fact because I have intuition and the confirmation of the intuition of others, so I know I am a lightworker or destined to be one… nevertheless right now I want my life to be quite “me” focused. How do you define lightworker anyway? For me I guess it’s living your highest life purpose with an open heart. I say that at least because I don’t feel like anyone who has an open heart could ignore the evils in this world. Maybe I’m wrong though, and it’s just me who wants to go out and heal everyone, everywhere.
Living your highest life purpose is the only way to be truly happy, anyway, so being a lightworker is in a sense the most self-loving thing you could do. The opposite of doing this is to drown your senses in pleasures, aquisition and fear as a way of forgetting the torment of your soul for not living true to itself. Perhaps that is a possible definition of a darkworker. Or perhaps a darkworker is someone with a different highest life purpose, one which I don’t understand.
During these few years of “me” time my purpose is to go out and explore the world. I want to see what’s really happening in the third world countries and whether we can really help out, and in what way. I want to feel this and not just know it with my mind.
Besides that I need and want to heal. I want to zoom out from my horrible past in this life and let what is past, be past. If I can remember my past lives and the wonder and beauty I’ve experienced in them to make this horror seem less important in comparison, all the better. I want to raise my consciousness and take the reigns of this earthly vehicle, which other humans thought they could mould to their own designs, unknowing of the soul that resided within.
I just know that I can’t push or panic to get out of this present moment. I can’t try to be this grandiose lightworker personality while I’m still – here, in the place I am now, which isn’t a place where I have much leverage or even that much direct desire to help people. What comes out of my heart, right now, wants to return to me, because that is where it is needed most. And the more I can admit that, the more empowered I am to help people as well — now, and moreso down the line.
Learning psychic abilities excites me like nothing else right now. I know as clearly as I know anything I want to go and train with Erin Pavlina in the USA, which is a goal which is keeping me moving me forward somewhat. It’s a self-honouring purpose as much as a lightworking purpose, as in the nearer future I’m interested in using my psychic abilities for my own benefit as well as to earn money, in an honest and servicial way, but definitely, definitively earning money. For me. To keep me free and happy and help me find my health.
The issue of money. I try to run away from that one but I want to learn to accept reality as it is and not succumb to “lightworker syndrome” just because it has a pretty name. I could start by keeping up the habit of blogging regularly and see where that leads me.
I will travel when I can, in a year or so I think, but for now, I know I’m here, in the countryside, to rest and recoup for a time. That’s not such a bad life purpose.