“So I’m a straight guy but I found myself attracted to a trans woman, what does that make me?”
I actually find this question
a little offensive. As far as I’m concerned, a trans woman is a woman. End of story.
But some people need to hear more than that.
My long answer to this question is this:
A penis is a small part of someone’s body. And a body is a small part of someone’s overall being.
There is a lot more to what makes someone a woman than just her body.
It can be the way she talks. The way she moves. Her gentleness. Her expressiveness. The look in her eyes. The way she melts when you hold her in your arms.
All these things are part of what makes someone a woman.
Think about it a little. When you’re on a date with your girlfriend, how often are you thinking about her genitals? How would her genitals affect your enjoyment of her company, of her femininity? Why would her genitals really affect your attraction to her, when you can’t see them? And when you can, can’t you recognise that they really are a small part of her, and that there is so much more you could be attracted to?
All of this is assuming that she (still) has a penis. If she doesn’t, then I find the question kind of baffling. If you could actually have sex with her without even knowing that she is trans, and enjoy it, how does knowing suddenly change anything at all?
I think these kind of questions can only come up when there is at the very least some doubt about whether a trans woman is really a woman. Some people tend to see trans women as gay men who have transitioned in order to ensnare heterosexual men. (Well, half of us are lesbians, so screw you). Other people aren’t that crude, but still see trans women as being kind of men.
If you think that way, I invite you to have a look at my picture here:
Pretty feminine, right?
Or rather, pretty female. Because, can you imagine even the gayest, most feminine man making that sort of expression?
And I assure you that I wasn’t putting it on. This sort of thing just comes out of me naturally. Once upon a time, in fact, I had to make a massive effort to prevent it coming out of me.
When this kind of feminine energy comes out of me, I see how it affects straight men. (As well as lesbians, bisexual people… but we’re talking about straight men at the moment). Sometimes they (perhaps unconsciously) flirt with me. Sometimes I just see or feel their attraction, but they are usually too dumb to express it.
What I’m saying is that this female energy is attractive in itself – in fact I think it’s the major part of what is attractive about a woman. I mean, if all you want is a body, go fuck a RealDoll, right?
Actually, if all you wanted was a body, and if you didn’t care about the personality at all, then being with a post-op trans woman wouldn’t be a problem for you. Her body is totally female, so you have everything you want, right? Actually, I think any straight man who still has an issue with this thinks that her personality or “energy” is male, and that’s what turns him off. If that person just understood that her personality and energy is female, and always has been, I expect he wouldn’t have a problem even being with a pre-op trans woman.
This is a very personal issue to me. I have to admit I feel victimised. In the year and a half since I’ve started transitioning I’ve only been with bisexual people (of all sexes). This doesn’t mean I haven’t attracted straight men or lesbian women; I have. I’ve felt the attraction happening, either in obviously flirty interactions or just in an underlying, palpable sexual tension. And at times these people have even admitted their attraction to me. But even then, they didn’t want to be with me.
At the same time, gay men and straight women have completely lost interest in me. In fact, I remember I had two gay male admirers when I was in my pre-transition stage, wearing a few feminine things in order to get comfortable with them, and thusly appearing (to some) to be a gay man.
Well, the moment I started living fully as a woman, they dropped their attempted courtship. But I mean that very moment; you could see in their eyes when they saw me that they were getting instantly turned off. I imagine them saying in their heads, “Oh.”
So if gay men and straight women respond sexually to me as they would with any other woman, why don’t straight men and lesbians do the same?
The answer of course is, they do. They’re usually just too scared to admit it.
And I hear often that “if someone really loves you, they won’t worry about your body”. Which, I guess, is true. I still have only been in love relationships with bisexual people since transitioning, but still, I guess it’s true. Even so, though, I’d like to be able to screw around sometimes, too. I don’t want to have to be patient with every straight male partner I’m with, waiting for them to come to terms with the fact that they are into me, working with them to reassure them that they have the same sexuality they have always had. I seriously don’t think it’s fair that I have to make such an effort with all my potential partners. And naturally, given the time investment involved, this means I can’t just have a casual fling if I want to. In fact, I usually can’t even casually flirt if I want to. Everything becomes so much more awkward. And it shouldn’t have to be.
So here’s your homework. Learn to see trans people as the gender they are inside. Learn to realise that your sexuality depends less on the exact specifics of someone’s body than you had previously thought, and that even if you’re attracted to specific genders it’s largely the internal aspects of those genders which you find interesting.
Learn to stop discriminating, and to treat trans people the same as any other member of their gender, because truly, that’s what they are.
Please do this, because it’s unfair that the burden of educating people and dealing with people’s insecurities must all fall to me. I don’t mind helping, but I’d rather like it to be more of a 50-50 thing; and sometime, too, I’d rather like to be able to live life as a normal person, rather than as an untouchable.