Sex Change
April 28, 2012
Observations On Transsexuality
May 2, 2012

How To Get Girls (For People Who Don’t Want To Be Sexist)


I was going over with my girlfriend Maria José the process I used to resolve my curiosity as to how to get girls.

I started out with that question several years ago, when I was about 15. I later found out that the question was wrong, and that I had to find a different question in order to find a fulfilling answer. To anyone who felt annoyed at the implications of the title, yes, the new question was something that would feel less objectifying to women. But I won’t spoil it quite yet.

Note that I am a bisexual transgender woman (male to female), but most of my life I lived as a straight man, including when I made the first edition of this article. I wrote it thinking particularly about others who identified as straight men, though it should have some relevance for wider audiences too.

As I said, I was talking to Maria José, one of my girlfriends (I have several; see polyamory). In this conversation I broke down the problem and the solution to the type of thinking behind “how can I get girls”. I explained my search within the seduction community to find the answer, and how I found it after leaving the seduction community.

The First Question

“How to get girls” is the first question.

The problem with the question is that it contains unexamined assumptions. If you plow ahead and try to “get girls” without examining these assumptions, conflict and unhappiness are sure to result.

The first, obvious assumption is that girls need to be “got”.

They don’t.

To “get” a woman obviously implies possession.

Come on, we don’t need that.

Digging deeper, I think there’s the suggestion that sexual satisfaction needs to be “got”.

It doesn’t either. It’s not something you “get” (take) from another. This is a deep-rooted psychological issue that causes no end of harm in our society. Sex is shared, not taken.

The implication behind either of these “gets” is that your desires must be taken, rather than mutually fulfilled. This involves conflict rather than cooperation. It involves some form of pushing against the desires of another person, rather than finding a joyful mutual fulfilment of desires. There’s also the implication somewhere there that there is a lack that needs to be fulfilled. Really, there isn’t any actual lack of sexual or romantic fulfillment in the world – not really. You just need to align yourself with it rather than blocking its presence in your life.

The Second Question

Which brings us to the second question, the question we should be asking.

“What are my true desires in the sexual and romantic arenas and how can I align myself in such a way with life that they are fulfilled rather than frustrated?”

It involves questioning the true meaning behind the frustration we’re feeling. It requires not taking the original question so seriously, but looking what’s behind it. We’re looking for a fulfilment, sure; but not a fulfilment of the original desire, which is unfulfilable in truth. More than fulfilment, we’re looking for a resolution.

Frustration with the original question can bring us to the questioning of it. But we can never come to the second question as an attempt to answer the first. We can only come to the second question by giving up on the first, realising we should give up on the first. However, this is good; in fact, if we look closely, we might see that we came to the first question because deep down, some part of us was really looking for the answer to the second.


The First Answer

So what is the answer to the second question? There are two answers, tackling it on different levels.

The first answer is simple.

You can align yourself in such a way as to fulfil your romantic or sexual desires simply by meeting more potential romantic or sexual partners.

There’s nothing you need to do to be worthy of romance or sex other than meeting someone who happens to have compatible desires with yours. Once you’ve met that person and spent a little time together, satisfaction of your mutual desires basically just happens.

Vested Interests

Yes, it does. Yes, this is radical. It hurts the seduction community, which has based its entire existence off the idea that romantic or sexual satisfaction requires some sort of guerilla warfare tactics.

Dating coaches make millions (yes, sometimes millions) by selling their products to people on the premise that without their products, sexuality just wouldn’t happen. They need sexuality to be hard, otherwise they would make no money.

Entire belief systems owe their existence to this flaw in people’s thinking. The entire forum community centred around seduction needs it. Apart from people with financial interests fuelling the market, there are people who need it to continue just because they don’t know what they would believe if it didn’t.

So that all ends with the understanding that if only you meet the sort of person who has compatible desires with you, you can fulfil them with exactly zero effort.

Finding Sexual And Romantic Partners

This includes no-strings-attached sex. There are plenty of women who want to have no-strings-attached sex and who don’t want to play games to get it. It’s true that most people (including women) are brainwashed into thinking that women shouldn’t “give it up easily”, which means you might need a certain amount of intelligence in finding more enlightened women. But if you’re smart enough to not think that women should be shamed for “giving it up easily” (oh God… you are smart enough, right?) it shouldn’t be hard to find women who are just as smart.

Finding partners who are compatible with fulfilling your desires is as easy as going to where you would expect to find them. This usually means going to places you enjoy going to, because most people want romantic partners who have things in common with them. It’s unintuitive, but you may just need to do what you would do anyway – just with a little more effort in getting out of the house and being social with it. To make just a random example, if you enjoy writing, you could either just limit yourself to writing at home or go to some sort of writing interest group and share your work with others. Just an example.

I personally make sure to go to all the polyamory related events in my city, because I know that my main requirement for a romantic/sexual partner is that they be into non monogamous relationships. This also conveniently filters them for being open minded and interesting people. Apart from that, I use online dating services like OKCupid which are a wonder for connecting compatible people.

The Second Answer

Now for the second answer, which is a bit more involved.

The second answer is that you need to clear away all the blocks which make this very simple reality complicated.

Yes, sex and romantic relationships ARE simple. You just do them. If you don’t have one, you just need to find someone who is compatible and they will happen naturally. That’s all there is to it.

It’s us who make them complicated. In both men and women, there is a pile of cultural conditioning which blocks us from ever being happy in relationships, unless we find that conditioning and challenge it.

We’ve gone over some of it.

Men often think that women have to be “gotten” rather than simply, um, met. They think there’s a lack of sexual or romantic satisfaction and that it needs to be secured, possibly owned. They think they have to fight a war to get their satisfaction.

OK. Now let’s go deeper.

In our society we are trained to have an unsolvable problem in our psyche. This problem keeps us constantly moving, constantly fighting a war with one another.

The Basic Error

This war can be summed up in the sometimes stated, sometimes hidden – sometimes conscious, sometimes subconscious – belief that:

Men always want sex

Women never want sex.

I believe that this dynamic was set up in pre-feminist society when women were forced into situations where they basically had to depend on men for survival. It may have even had its roots in the dark origins of history when men fought to own and use women as sexual slaves.

In this state of dependency women needed a bargaining chip in their favour, so they used sex.

Over the years, perhaps helped along by the Abrahamic religions’ sexual perversities*, a myth was created that women didn’t want sex. Men therefore had to bargain with the women to “take” sex for themselves. This gave women a certain sort of power, even if it meant totally ignoring their *own* impulses.

*Perversity: ideas such as, “extramarital sex is a sin” “having more than one partner is wrong” “masturbation is bad” “chastity is admirable” “sex is only for procreation” … etc etc

Note that historical speculation is always going to be unreliable and subjective. Take this only as a narrative to attempt to explain my point of view, as an attempt to paint a picture of the most general state of affairs between the sexes.

So women are taught not to want sex. They are taught to be coy, to demand commitment, and to avoid having sex outside of a committed relationship in order to avoid being shamed as a “slut”.

Men, conversely, are taught that they *always* want sex. Sex, to them, is victory over women’s attempt to withold it. I suppose they resent the manipulative actions of unenlightened womenkind. Or they see women’s challenge as an opportunity to build their ego. After all, whenever there is a wall, someone wants to climb it. Whenever there is a lock, someone wants to open it.

I don’t know exactly why men are taught that they *must* take sex from women at all costs. Perhaps it is as simple as the fact that sex in unenlightened society seems to be withheld, and they see the only option for fulfilling their desires as being fighting for it. In any case, men generally end up believing that sex is something they urgently need and must take at another’s expense.

The Nice Guy And The Jerk

Hence, we have a sad duality appearing in men, one which is talked about at length in the seduction community.

On the one hand, we have the archetypical Jerk, a guy who decides that he’s going to fulfil his sexual desires even if it hurts women. Because he sets out with the erroneous belief that sexual satisfaction means hurting women, he inevitably does hurt them.

On the other hand, we have the archetypical Nice Guy. This term in the seduction community means something like “nice, unassertive, and frustrated.” The Nice Guy also believes that sexual satisfaction means hurting women, but for whatever reason he decides that it’s not worth it for him. He has almost no sexual satisfaction.

It’s often said in the seduction community that there’s a third option, someone who isn’t a bad guy but who also gets laid. This is a push in the right direction, but usually they miss the actual problem entirely when they attempt to define the third option and end up advocating for a slightly more sophisticated form of the Jerk archetype.

The Real Third Option

The real third option is to realise that sexual satisfaction is co-created and not taken from anyone.

It’s to forgive – to deeply, spiritually forgive – the actions of unenlightened womenkind. To let go of your anger and frustration towards their witholding of sex. When you do that, there will be nothing tying you still to unenlightened womankind, and you can seek out enlightened womenkind – the relative minority of women who don’t attempt to withold sex or play any games with men, but who just want to co-create sexual satisfaction with mutually compatible partners.

It’s to realise that enlightened womenkind exists, which removes any motivation for dealing on this level with unenlightened womenkind. It’s also to realise that even if enlightened womenkind didn’t exist, lashing out at unenlightened womenkind wouldn’t help anything.

Because sex that is given against one’s will, or as an exchange, is not real sex. It’s a fraction of the joy which real sex can be. And hurting another is never desireable. Not just because there’s invariably a backlash. Because we’re all part of the same One life; because hurting another is hurting the being we are all part of.

But the wonderful thing is we don’t need to face that worst case scenario in real life. Sexual satisfaction is abundant and free, so long as we find the right people to co-create it with, and there are many of those people out there.

Being Sexually Enlightened

Yes, it’s not just as simple as finding the right people. We also have to *be* the right people. As men, we have to be the enlightened compliment to the enlightened womenkind we’re seeking. Where we are looking for a woman who doesn’t think having sex with men is shameful, we have to be men who don’t feel or communicate that women having sex with men is shameful. Where we are looking for a woman who is uninhibited, we have to be uninhibited. Where we are looking for a woman who doesn’t play games, we must be men who don’t play games.

At long last, I think we’ll find that there is no difference between women and men. The war of the sexes was created through social conditioning. When we are enlightened and move that out of the way, there is only – people. Sexual and romantic satisfaction becomes a case of people looking for compatible people to share experiences with.

The wonderful thing is that for practically any desire, there is someone who wants to share that with you. If you’re a man and want to be with women, you’ll find women who’ll want to be with men. But if you’re gay you’ll find guys who’ll satisfy your desires. If you’re a woman there are men or women out there who will satisfy your desires.

If you like giving pain, there are those out there who like receiving pain. If you like cooking for someone, there are those out there who like to be cooked for. If you are a straight man who likes wearing dresses, there are women who find that hot. If you like no-strings-attached sex, yes, there are people out there who want that and who can satisfy your desire. You just have to find them.

Easy Sexual And Romantic Fulfilment

So that’s the message of this article. Good news! Frustration is not the sad inevitable condition of mankind. All desires can be fulfilled – effortlessly. You must simply find or develop a way of being where you don’t block that natural, effortless fulfilment. Then all you need to do is to find compatible partners. If you’re having any difficulty with this process, I’ll virtually guarantee that you are having problems on the first step and not the second.

Examine your desire and challenge it. Challenge its sense of reality. Find out if your desire is for something which you have to struggle to take from someone, and if it is, resolve that falsehood. Find a way of being where you don’t see things as a struggle. As soon as you stop seeing things as a struggle, there will be none – just joyful cocreation of pleasure and satisfaction.

Hope you’ve enjoyed this article.


Related Posts:

Polyamory

Polyamorous Relationships

Sex And Spirituality

Soul Truths

Male Intimacy

How To Be Desireless

Love Is Natural

Leave a Reply

6 Comments

  1. Erdal says:

    This was good. I liked it. You seem to have gained some XP and insight there 🙂

  2. brenda says:

    thank you for this! thank you! thank you! thank you!

  3. Sophia,

    This article is absolutely amazing, and it hits home on many levels. Thank you so much for writing this.

    I dare say the W word: I feel wisdom in this one.

    Makes sense, seeing your name is Sophia. 😉

    -Josh Lipovetsky

  4. Corey says:

    This was a great article that really shifted some perspectives that I’ve had. It’s amazing how sometimes you know something deep down, but just need help from another to fish it up and really bring it to their attention so that it can begin to change.

    Thanks for the great article!

  5. Michael says:

    This really resonated with me. Thank you 🙂

    Love and Light to you friend!

  6. Manoj says:

    Sophia,
    I am happy to have found your blog. Mindful perspectives that align with psychology and reason points to your inner world that is thriving in wisdom. I have read this blog and the one describing the inner experiences of being a woman in a male body, others to follow 🙂
    thank you very much for sharing,

    manoj

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