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How To Come To Terms With Having Immature Parents

A friend just asked me how I came to terms with having parents who were more immature on a soul level than me.

The answer is: slowly…

I had my big awakening about two years ago, when I realised that my parents’ energy was holding me down in negative states and basically fled my parents’ house. I was depressed and sick, I might have died if I’d stayed there.

In that time while dealing from my vast pain, I basically demonised my parents. I feared them and sometimes hated them, most of all my father. I blamed them for my state.

Nowadays I don’t hate them. I still have my frustrations with them and there are still things to heal, but I don’t hate them. Though I belive they don’t understand a lot of the things I understand, I know there is still a connection there which is true, underneath all the bullshit, and I care for them in my own way.

Basically as I healed myself bit by bit, I healed my relationship with my parents. Healing for me was a very dynamic process, involving a sort of dance with those people around me where I worked through my negative patterns and got over them. My parents were obviously part of that dance. My father struggled to control me as his own arrogance dictated. I struggled to be free and to stay out of his contact and reach. I resented them and spoke badly of them at any opportunity.

When I was away from my parents, I remember coming across figures that were similar to them so I could work out my unconscious stuff in just the same way. What I ran from came back to me.

I think the mechanism of my healing was that I worked on raising my vibration – which can be done through meditation or simple intent – and as I pushed upwards, I had to face the negative “stuff” on the lower planes that was holding me down. In this way, I think you can be angry and so on without causing an energetic debt. I was just releasing the old patterns.

The last time I did this was a massive shouting match I did with my parents a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks might not seem much but at the rate I grow it already feels like months ago :) It was the trigger for a LOT of growth and I feel that it released enough of this karma or entanglement for me to be able to leave home now.

I think by releasing anger I released their control over me. In this last year I’ve seen that a lot. When I’ve fallen into an unhealthy power relationship because of my 3rd chakra issues, it’s culminated in getting REALLY angry, letting all of that express itself, and redefining my limits, stronger than before.

So this time I let it all out. More than I’ve told them in my life. I told my father that his patronising tone makes me sick, that hitting children is obscene, that I refused to allow my self esteem to be lowered by them, etc, etc.

After this I did plenty of introspection as always, and I came to the conclusion that I still hadn’t forgiven my father for beating me as a child. I asked myself what my emotion of unforgiveness was trying to achieve, and I realised that I felt that my father would feel that it’s OK to hit children if I ever forgave him. So I asked myself to find a new way to look at this, where I could feel that I both forgive him and make it abundantly clear that my boundaries are defined and immutable, and that if I ever had to, I would defend another who has to go through my past situation.

Shortly after, I found an article on Soul Ages and decided that my father was a “baby soul”. OK, I’m not sure about these concepts – they can certainly breed inferiority complexes. But for me it also helped to actually understand and accept that actually yes, my father is just more spiritually immature than me. It sounds arrogant if you look at it from a certain point of view – but on the other hand, I just think it’s true, and it’s empowering to admit that, especially when it’s something I’ve felt inside for a long time.

And that helped me feel some forgiveness. My father just doesn’t know better, in a way. He’s like a baby with a gun.

So that’s how I see it now. As I rise in vibration, I realise more and more that my parents’ negative stuff doesn’t need to affect me. It did when I was a kid, because I was vulnerable, but I try to see that in a Zen way: it is as it is. Nowadays it’s my responsibility to work on negative energies in me as my own and not try to change anyone. Once I’ve cleared my own negative energies, what my parents or what anyone else has is just there; I can observe it in a detached and even amused way.

It’s not over, but I so love to observe my progress since last year. Instead of possessed hatred this last week I might give a gentler, almost humourous anger response to keep him on the right side of my personal boundaries. Maybe he’ll get another shouting match out of me yet, but I feel more okay about it all, anyway.

The basic rule is: you can’t run. If a negative bit of “stuff” comes along, you got to face it. Use it as a means to your further sublimation…….. a neglected part of yourself coming up to say hi – looking for you to integrate it as a part of you now. You just ride the wave, Zen-like “doing nothing” while doing whatever you are doing, and soon enough it’s over, and you’re at the next level of growth.

Understanding helps me come to terms with having been brought up by immature parents. I see them for what they are, and see through their bullcrap – but see right through it to the human interior. They speak different languages. But on a soul level, there is a genuine connection. I don’t think you can go through so many years and so much sacrifice together and not have a connection. So this is my teacher of unconditional love; if I can see the love here, underneath the most dense boundaries, underneath even hate — I can love anyone.

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{ 10 comments… add one }

  • Tank July 28, 2010, 4:53 pm

    This resonates so well with me you are so amazing at handeling this i attracted this article in my life as i was right now i was finding a way to ignore my father bullshit shouting nd screaming.
    It was great reading this.
    Thank you so much.

  • Sophia Gubb July 29, 2010, 9:55 am

    Thankyou very much too! I’m glad it helped you. :) <3


  • B.Traveller August 9, 2010, 5:56 am

    I applaud you for being so publicly open with these lesson and teach/learning experiences you’re going through right now. You’ve done a great job at showing how you’re processing this, and you’ve shown much courage in sharing it with us. I would only caution you on one point.

    Labels can be deceptive and often cloud the truth; and I would caution you in applying a label to your parents just yet. As the Michael Teachings states, many factors can affect how mature an individual appears in day to day life, and it’s important to keep in mind that your evaluations of other’s maturity is being filtered through your own lenses. Not to mention the unique combination of your soul’s experience and your present brain’s age. (This has a subtle complexity that I haven’t seen talked about much.)

    In any case, I hope you’re journalling about this, and if you aren’t, I encourage you to. Journalling about your perceptions on soul maturity now, and doing it again every few weeks or so, will most likely prove to be enlightening in retrospect and review. A person’s belief system and motivations are shaped by millions of events and decisions throughout their lives, so that’s why I caution you not to hold tightly to a certain label.

    The truth, as I’m sure you’ll agree, is often much more dynamic, and interesting than a simple label. :)

    Keep your eyes on the stars.


  • Ana Goncalves August 12, 2010, 11:28 am

    Dear Sophia,
    I read your story with an open mind, and I found myself also resonating with it because of a similar experience here at home with that of my own parents. I don’t argue with my parents anymore. We have got to know each other instead, for I opened up the door to let them in. Although my parents are on a different level, we are all connected with love. My mother sometimes in her own way is surprised by what and who I am, and I capture the move of stuck energy that transcends from her. This is what used to drag me down, but now am learning to receive it in a different way. Being truthful in oneself whilst accepting the other and appreciating them as they are, brings a new life to experience, and no matter what is expressed, it always comes back to love. :)
    It is lovely to be here and reading your website.
    I am thoroughly enjoying it, thank you.

  • Eduardo August 21, 2010, 5:34 pm

    Thank you for writing about this Sophia. I can relate to many things you say here, including not forgiving my father for beating me as a child. It is difficult sometimes and I still feel much anger towards him. I don’t want to feel so much anger inside me, but slowly I am healing this issue.
    Thank you :)

  • Sophia Gubb August 26, 2010, 12:40 am

    You are very welcome, Tank. I’m glad this helped. :)

  • Steve July 9, 2012, 8:29 pm

    I highly suspect mom has undiagnosed mental illness. This woman whom I’m forced to revere as a parental figure is almost 50 and been unemployed since ’06. She’s divorced dad, almost obese, has horrible posture, and does the same things daily. The few people who she meets up with are her friends from the 80’s. She still relies on her “mommy” for emotional, and sadly- financial support. This woman has also regularly beaten me as a child, pointed kitchen knives at me until I was 12, yet lives in constant denial. As a result, I am somewhat violent.

    I’m going to be 16 soon and my mother hasn’t shown the slightest interest in developing my strengths aside from medicating a nonexistent illness she believes I have– leading to me being years behind in class. I’ll need to to take the local GED just to get into college. I think I need to move away to secure my future.

    Fuck you, mom.

  • Tyu November 12, 2012, 12:26 am

    basically fled my parents’ house. I was depressed and sick, I might have died if I’d stayed there.
    So I get you begun healing yourself and your chakras but speaking material/practical what did you do at the time? Did you run away from home, live by yourself, move with a relative, live at a shelter, or did you just stay there and let the wave pass over you? You said you fled your parents’ house, please explain, what exactly does that mean?

  • Megan December 11, 2012, 4:31 pm

    Although I relate to this article, I have to suggest taking out the link to the soul ages article. Although I appreciate the soul age concept itself, the actual article and description is way off. Infant souls live primitive lives, are incapable of attraction beyond lust, and are born into these slums because they need to learn how to survive?! Just so happens that these are countries where people are poor and of color, huh? To suggest that these places are unciviled has absolutely no base in reality. What a nice way to acquiesce guilt and rationalize the hand corruption has played in making and keeping these countries and people in these states. Much more palatable, no? This smacks too much of bell curve type ideology of the “primitives” and is beyond off base.

  • Andrea January 16, 2015, 7:37 pm

    Thank you for this post, just came across it and really enjoyed reading it. I feel a little bit lighter afterwards and can relate to a great degree.

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