How To Come To Terms With Having Immature Parents

by Sophia Gubb on July 27, 2010

in Personal Growth


A friend just asked me how I came to terms with having parents who were more immature on a soul level than me.

The answer is: slowly…

I had my big awakening about two years ago, when I realised that my parents’ energy was holding me down in negative states and basically fled my parents’ house. I was depressed and sick, I might have died if I’d stayed there.

In that time while dealing from my vast pain, I basically demonised my parents. I feared them and sometimes hated them, most of all my father. I blamed them for my state.

Nowadays I don’t hate them. I still have my frustrations with them and there are still things to heal, but I don’t hate them. Though I belive they don’t understand a lot of the things I understand, I know there is still a connection there which is true, underneath all the bullshit, and I care for them in my own way.

Basically as I healed myself bit by bit, I healed my relationship with my parents. Healing for me was a very dynamic process, involving a sort of dance with those people around me where I worked through my negative patterns and got over them. My parents were obviously part of that dance. My father struggled to control me as his own arrogance dictated. I struggled to be free and to stay out of his contact and reach. I resented them and spoke badly of them at any opportunity.

When I was away from my parents, I remember coming across figures that were similar to them so I could work out my unconscious stuff in just the same way. What I ran from came back to me.

I think the mechanism of my healing was that I worked on raising my vibration – which can be done through meditation or simple intent – and as I pushed upwards, I had to face the negative “stuff” on the lower planes that was holding me down. In this way, I think you can be angry and so on without causing an energetic debt. I was just releasing the old patterns.

The last time I did this was a massive shouting match I did with my parents a couple of weeks ago. A couple of weeks might not seem much but at the rate I grow it already feels like months ago :) It was the trigger for a LOT of growth and I feel that it released enough of this karma or entanglement for me to be able to leave home now.

I think by releasing anger I released their control over me. In this last year I’ve seen that a lot. When I’ve fallen into an unhealthy power relationship because of my 3rd chakra issues, it’s culminated in getting REALLY angry, letting all of that express itself, and redefining my limits, stronger than before.

So this time I let it all out. More than I’ve told them in my life. I told my father that his patronising tone makes me sick, that hitting children is obscene, that I refused to allow my self esteem to be lowered by them, etc, etc.


After this I did plenty of introspection as always, and I came to the conclusion that I still hadn’t forgiven my father for beating me as a child. I asked myself what my emotion of unforgiveness was trying to achieve, and I realised that I felt that my father would feel that it’s OK to hit children if I ever forgave him. So I asked myself to find a new way to look at this, where I could feel that I both forgive him and make it abundantly clear that my boundaries are defined and immutable, and that if I ever had to, I would defend another who has to go through my past situation.

Shortly after, I found an article on Soul Ages and decided that my father was a “baby soul”. OK, I’m not sure about these concepts – they can certainly breed inferiority complexes. But for me it also helped to actually understand and accept that actually yes, my father is just more spiritually immature than me. It sounds arrogant if you look at it from a certain point of view – but on the other hand, I just think it’s true, and it’s empowering to admit that, especially when it’s something I’ve felt inside for a long time.

And that helped me feel some forgiveness. My father just doesn’t know better, in a way. He’s like a baby with a gun.

So that’s how I see it now. As I rise in vibration, I realise more and more that my parents’ negative stuff doesn’t need to affect me. It did when I was a kid, because I was vulnerable, but I try to see that in a Zen way: it is as it is. Nowadays it’s my responsibility to work on negative energies in me as my own and not try to change anyone. Once I’ve cleared my own negative energies, what my parents or what anyone else has is just there; I can observe it in a detached and even amused way.

It’s not over, but I so love to observe my progress since last year. Instead of possessed hatred this last week I might give a gentler, almost humourous anger response to keep him on the right side of my personal boundaries. Maybe he’ll get another shouting match out of me yet, but I feel more okay about it all, anyway.

The basic rule is: you can’t run. If a negative bit of “stuff” comes along, you got to face it. Use it as a means to your further sublimation…….. a neglected part of yourself coming up to say hi – looking for you to integrate it as a part of you now. You just ride the wave, Zen-like “doing nothing” while doing whatever you are doing, and soon enough it’s over, and you’re at the next level of growth.

Understanding helps me come to terms with having been brought up by immature parents. I see them for what they are, and see through their bullcrap – but see right through it to the human interior. They speak different languages. But on a soul level, there is a genuine connection. I don’t think you can go through so many years and so much sacrifice together and not have a connection. So this is my teacher of unconditional love; if I can see the love here, underneath the most dense boundaries, underneath even hate — I can love anyone.

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