In a recent post, I detailed a revelation I’d had about my fear of being alone:
…my crying stopped suddenly as I had a little revelation. I thought about what I was actually crying about. What I realised was that my reaction was disproportionate to just being upset about being alone. Sure, being alone hurts, but I always get through it. Inevitably there’s a period of being lonely before eventually I find someone(s) to fill the gap in my social life.
What I realised was, my vision of aloneness was unrealistic. I seemed to have an unexamined subconscious boogeyman, a sort of primal fear of eternal, deadly aloneness. I imagine it to come from how a young child is programmed – at that age, they are very vulnerable, and being abandoned really could mean death. But somehow for me, as an adult, that programming was still there.
So I simply made myself imagine a more reasonable vision of aloneness. It would hurt, but I’d be able to deal with it, and it’d be temporary.
And my crying stopped.
About a month after this, I’m finding that this revelation really was a big deal.
Right now I’m going through an interesting phase. I’m experiencing a kind of void; I’m avoiding old patterns that I know were rooted in fear, and sort of waiting for new patterns to manifest themselves. Because of that, I’m a bit more alone than usual, but it’s not really a big deal. If I don’t manage to see a friend one day I manage to feel connected enough by chatting with someone on Facebook.
I find now that less of my energy and mental processing power is being poured into dealing with my fear of being alone, and accordingly I feel a lot more free. I’m thinking about the future and my goals, and feeling energised as I do so. I’m becoming a lot more focused on my lightworker calling. I tell myself that I will make my social connections support my goals and not the other way around. If I find myself in the position of having to sacrifice one thing for the other thing, then I’ll sacrifice social connections.
I also find that where I used to have more of a focus on the feeling of rejection when I couldn’t find the social connections I wanted, I now have more of a focus on a feeling of gratitude when I do experience a social connection. My social desires seem more of a “wanting” and less of a “needing”.
Of course, my current period of relative solitude was started by a big emotional rift with my romantic partner, and I suppose that some part of me is still numb. I’m finding it harder to feel strong “crushy” love for people, and starting a new romantic connection (regardless of how my current one turns out) in the future seems hard to imagine. This is surely not purely a healthy thing, but I think I’m also just releasing myself from previous ideas of romantic love and just haven’t worked out new ways of approaching the concept that fits for the new me.
In any case, I like this neutral feeling – neither pleasure or pain. It feels like peace, and freedom. I know there will be times for different feelings in the future too, but this is where I am right now.
Well, this feels like the beginning of something big, and accordingly I will have a lot more to write about it later than right now. I felt drawn to mentioning this, though, as it’s pretty exciting to me.