A random, unstructured journal type post.
So, there has been some progress on the self-love meditation. Mainly in realising how important it is to continue working on it.
Surprisingly though I’ve recently had a HUGE breakthrough in my dream work. If you remember a few weeks ago I was doing a daily mantra which asked my guides for greater recall of and involvement in my dreams. Well, recently there hasn’t been a day in which I haven’t learned something from my dreams. What’s more I’ve been getting very direct messages from my guides through them. This morning, for instance, I had a dream where a lady just spoke directly to me and told me that when I feel pain in my gut like I was then, I could get a spoon and place it against the area. The energy-draining effect of the metal would pull out the excess energy which had got lodged in my system. I tried it, and the pain really did go away.
A few days ago, it was even better. I had a dream which I later realised was a communication from an angel of mine. The dream on surface appearance seemed to be about me and a girlfriend or close female friend, together on a mission on some other planet. She said, “Yes, I did come to Cambridge [my birthplace] and I saw you, though you didn’t see me.“. Later she told me, very directly, what my life purpose was (a clarification of it). “We’re here to show people this different mode of being and to help them feel safe.”
So this dream work shows me that even when I’m not feeling like I’m making progress, setting out my intentions with a mantra is sending out ripples into the future. So I’m keeping at my self-love mantra.
The other day I had a lucid dream. I was having lots of fun, flying around, creating things, and trying to have sex (what else would you do if you could control your dream??) until a mirror appeared. In the mirror I saw not my real face but my self-image. It looked defeated, weak, humiliated, pathetic, childish in the bad sense, with a head that’s big in proportion to the body. The shock of emotion was so great that I woke up.
After that though as I was falling back to sleep I was still lucid, and I set about sending light at my self image, hugging it, and trying to heal it. I’ve been trying to get a lucid dream so I could continue this work since then.
I had an interesting experience regarding love here in the Amor y Ser association where I spend my time. The other day, I wanted to give one of the people here a hug. Mainly, because she had hugged me before in the past when I was sad, and I wanted a hug now because, well I like hugs. I’m not the sort of person to hug for a reason. More like, I hug, therefore I am.
She reacted badly. “No, Andrew, I don’t have any energy to give you right now.”
That got me thinking. Was I trying to take energy? Was I being selfish?
Later I was with a group of friends and about to say our goodbyes. I have to admit, I wasn’t concentrating on the conversation, I was just thinking about giving Olga a hug. Then I sat back and thought, “Am I trying to take something for myself? Am I focusing on receiving? Maybe I should hold myself back on my affection.” I did, at least, see that I was pushing myself beyond the present moment, so I made a conscious effort to relax. Still, without making any sort of stressing and grasping, the energy that wanted the hug was there in my heart chakra.
When she came to me to say goodbye, the first thing she said, feeling my energy and sensing my inner conflict I suppose, was “thankyou”, and she gave me a very long hug.
The lesson here is, hug because you want to hug, and ignore the people who think that hugs need to be rationed. Wtf is that about?
I have still a question I want to find the answer to. I hug women a lot more, and for longer than men. I want to know if this is because it’s something natural for men not to want to hug men so much, or if this is because of my social conditioning, or the social conditioning of the other. (If they have a social conditioning that doesn’t let them open up, then I’m not going to want to share with them, because I can’t get through their barriers). Am I holding back on love for men out of fear? Or is love for men expressed in a different way? Is my love for women sexual then? When I hug women am I being sexual?
I know I want to make this site into a source of income in the future, but I know for now I’m only really playing. I think I need to listen to what my guides said through Erin Pavlina and get a videocamera and make a videoblog to express my purpose.
Until then I think I’ll just make this a sort of journal intended to share some of my learning experiences. For now, that seems to be the best way of sharing. Writing articles doesn’t draw me anymore, at least not until I’ve found a very specific niche to write for. This is a personal blog, not a content site, at the moment, and anything else would be fooling myself.
So that’s that for now. Much love!