However much I keep on making complex theories and conceptual structures to overcome my internal blocks with money, I keep on coming back to the same thing. To some extent I think I may have been dancing around this issue, not wanting to accept its full import.
That issue is this:
A feeling of being broken-hearted about the situation which necessitates money.
Broken-hearted about living in a society where I am forced to give conditionally, rather than unconditionally. About living in society where I can’t just expect to be supported by those around me. A society where I have to make it worth it for others to support me.
I just can’t avoid this issue, no matter how many interesting concepts I come up with. I live in an apparently uncaring world, and it hurts.
I was journalling just now about my goals for the new year, and I realised that I needed to be really honest with myself that I was doing English teaching for the money.
Obviously I’m doing it for other things too – to serve, to have fun, to do something meaningful. And this was important to realise because I find it impossible to be motivated about money alone. However, I would definitely be doing different things if the need for money hadn’t forced me into this path.
I was avoiding this truth in my mind, I realised. This avoidance blocked me from going forward, as I’d be thinking about doing English just in terms of serving and having fun and doing something meaningful; and seeing things purely in those terms I would feel a bit ambivalent about it. So, today, I needed to sit down and write in my journal and force myself to face the truth that I was doing this, fundamentally, because of the money.
It hurts to see this truth because I wish I could do whatever I do just for the love of it. It hurts, because I *would* do what I do just for the love of it. I’d dedicate my life to giving whatever the world needed without asking for anything in return. So for the world to ignore that and force me to go through an exchange to make sure that I contributed my part, hurts.
It hurts because there’s no trust there. It hurts because it disempowers me to do the wonderful things for the Earth that I actually want to do. It hurts because it’s the threat of violence – not direct violence, but the violence of living on the streets and going hungry even while there are enough resources in the world for that to be trivially unnecessary. For that to happen people have to say “No, I don’t consider your wellbeing important enough for me to help you out,” and that hurts.
Even though I don’t expect to be ever living on the streets again. (I did it once as a sort of experiment). Even though I don’t expect to really be on the receiving end of that worst-case violence – the threat of it, hurts. And to a smaller extent, living in conditions that are a long stretch below what the world’s resources could manage for me equitably, and having to struggle or waste my creative energies to stay there, feels like violence in itself.
I think most people have a greater or lesser consciousness of this violence. I don’t think the communist party would exist or have been so successful if that consciousness didn’t exist. (I don’t identify as communist).
I also think that indigos have a particular consciousness of this violence because it really is in their nature to give unconditionally, and they find it very hard to come to terms with the fact that they won’t receive unconditionally. After all, it’s normal to just assume others are similar to you. So this is why indigos, including me, often have a lot of struggle coming to terms with money.
To say it in short, for indigos and similarly inclined non-indigos, moving forward with our financial situation is blocked by a sense of deep hurt. As far as I can see, we can only move forward in a healthy way if we clearly acknowledge this. Otherwise our efforts to avoid facing the feeling will derail us.
I’m thinking that it’s not entirely necessary to heal the feeling totally. Just to be aware enough of it, honest enough about it, that our energies go into doing what we need to do rather than emotional avoidance.
The Good News
I think that if you look deeper the situation in the world isn’t quite as harsh as it might seem on first glance. Perhaps it only seemed so harsh to me because I was avoiding coming to terms with the feeling, which made it grow into a sort of bogeyman as tends to happen in these cases.
It’s not SO bad. Many people will help you out if you’re left on the streets or whatever. Many people do enjoy sharing and doing things for free. I think the world wouldn’t really function if there wasn’t at least some kind of gift economy behind the scenes. Imagine if every parent tried to make an entirely “rational” economic transaction out of raising a child. They’d write up a loan for the child to pay off when they started earning, for the value of the resources and time spent on the child’s upbringing. …Plus interest. Obviously this doesn’t happen because people are generally not quite as evil as all that.
I see the structures in the world as being a large part of what keeps the state of conditional giving in place. A lot of us would be happy to give to others in need, or to give our service to the world unconditionally, but are held back by our need to survive in a world which fails to support us. This is obviously my own situation.
There are other such structures too, like the cultural and even physical separation which causes us to consider other people as somewhere outside of ourselves. Walls separate families from families, boundaries separate countries from countries, and always the wellbeing of other people leaves our sphere and becomes someone else’s problem. Except that means it becomes no-one’s problem but their own. And it’s so easy to just let that slip because the whole of society is built so that we don’t have to face any uncomfortable feelings caused by that.
Well, the structures are in place because of the people who made them or at least allowed them to exist, but we can at least assume that the structures also give strength to that negative side of people, emphasise it. So not *all* of this sorry situation is directly human design.
Just as love is found when we heal hate, unconditional giving exists somewhere in people’s psyches, underneath that resistance to giving. I think we can bring it out in people. And bring it out in ourselves. So, it’s not a completely desolate situation.
As I explained in this article: Change Of Seasons, I feel that there is a consciousness that goes beyond individual human consciousness which helps human society to run. Call it what you will: for this article we’ll call it Universal Consciousness.
Universal Consciousness is fundamentally a part of us, or better said we are fundamentally each parts or expressions of Universal Consciousness. Universal Consciousness has its own purposes, which are the same as *our* purposes on the deepest level – seeing as on the deepest level we *are* Universal Consciousness – but which may have a greater or lesser disparity with our consciously chosen purposes.
In my life, I attempt to align my consciously chosen purposes as much as possible with this deeper purpose. I don’t do this because I feel I “should” but simply because this is what I feel I *am*.
While humanity in general expresses greater or lesser alignment with Universal Consciousness, Universal Consciousness exists beyond any individual expression of it. Hence, while a single human being might not be aware enough to stand against you if you do something that harms the greater body of humanity, the greater power of Universal Consciousness will tend to be sending you constant bitch-slaps of misfortune until you change your path. I’ve noticed this in my life and it was also explained wonderfully in Steve Pavlina’s article which I linked to in the article above.
The converse is also true. If you act fully in alignment with your place as a part of the greater body of humanity, as a part of Universal Consciousness, things will just tend to flow better. You will be more supported financially, for instance. It’s in Universal Consciousness’ interest to send resources to those who will do good things with them, and restrict resources for people who will use them destructively.
This isn’t the same as conditional giving. Universal Consciousness does this as a way of improving things for everyone involved, including itself (which everyone is a part of).
So despite feeling heartbreak that individual humans won’t help out other individual humans, I think we can feel a sense of support and comfort from Universal Consciousness as a whole which definitely does want to help us out. I think this could be the tonic for all the pain which conditional giving brings us.
In the article I linked above, I got on a bit of a high from the realisation that Universal Consciousness will support me if I simply aim to work in alignment with it. Perhaps some of my issues before came from my “every man for himself” struggle to stay alive, which inadvertently caused Universal Consciousness to block me in my path. So just by being at one with all things you can tap into a deeper level of Universal support, transcending the petty struggles for money and security on the human level, and I think that’s a wonderful thing to have in mind.
I think we still need to work on the human level, though. Either it’s because most of us can’t manage to stay on this high of feeling the support of Universal Consciousness all the time, or maybe because we just need to integrate all levels. Universal Consciousness works through people. If you need money, you can expect it to come through people, people who have free wills, personal needs, and a certain level of understanding about their connection with humanity as a whole. I think in this day and age it’s still going to be rare for someone to come up to you and say, “Universal Consciousness told me you needed this for support on your path, so here you go.”
So I think “doing things for money” remains regrettably necessary, at least in the short term while you’re building a project which is perfectly aligned with both your inner purpose and your physical needs.
In the mean time we have to aim to work on the human level and on the level of Univeral Consciousness at one and the same time. Work with love, work to serve, and work for the joy of working. Do it all because you are part of Universal Consciousness and want to honour that. Do it because you know that Universal Consciousness will honour you in turn. But on the human level, realise that most people need to interact at their level of understanding. Adapt your path to that. Give people reasons to support you. They’ll support you most of all because Universal Consciousness has moved the pieces in your favour so that you’ll have all the resources you need to serve the world. But they don’t know that, so let them support you in a way that aligns with their understanding and free will.
Over time, let your path become more and more an expression of your place as a part of Universal Consciousness. As this develops I suspect it will be less and less like people are paying you in exchange for something and more and more like you’re simply receiving donations to help you continue your work. But I’m still working on getting there so I can’t comment.
I started this article talking about a feeling of hurt which held me back. Then I started talking about what removes the need for that sense of hurt. I think I started channelling very much from a higher place towards the end of the article
In the end I think we need to integrate the higher perspectives and the lower perspectives. I still have to go out and be an English teacher for a while. I still have to live in a society which at the very least *thinks* it’s supporting me only conditionally. But there’s a deeper meaning to all this, something which makes it all bearable, something which makes all of the insanity just not big enough to matter.
Let’s lay a flower on the Earth in honour of this heartbreak we go through, this heartbreak which affects us almost every day of our lives. Let’s honour the truth that living in human society is restrictive. Let’s honour the pain we go through because the other cells just don’t understand, just don’t know what love is, don’t know what life is about. Let’s be there with that pain. For a while.
Now let’s get to our feet and continue walking. We’re here for a reason. Let’s honour that, too.