You ever thought about the concepts of lightworkers vs. darkworkers? I was introduced to these ideas in Steve Pavlina’s website (click for a good introduction) though within some circles they are not uncommon terms.
Lightworkers are people who dedicate their lives to serving the greater body of humanity. Darkworkers are people who decide to screw the rest of humanity and live to create power and domination for themselves. Most people are neither; they do a little of both. Because of that they’re not coherent internally. Their little battles for power screw over their desire to help people, and their compassion sabotages their empire-building. The point of being polarized is that you know why you’re here – you have a meaning for your life that drives you like fire – and that your internal coherence allows you to direct your energies in a focused way and get results. Besides that, if you work for either light or darkness, you will have allies. They’re both paths of ever-increasing power.
It took me a long time to get the hang of these concepts, but I really think that they are worth thinking over. In the end, not having a sense of meaning sucks. Polarization really does make you feel like your life is worth living.
In the last few years, I’ve lived through a really long “dark night of the soul”, in which I felt an incredible burning desire for… something. Something that would give life meaning. I used to think that that was spiritual enlightenment, but now I’ve realized I was wrong. I wanted to help this world.
I always couldn’t be bothered with parties, collage, careers, big social lives or anything like that. I’ve recently come to terms with the fact that even sex doesn’t motivate me that much. Instead, I spent my time looking for that “something” that was more important even than staying alive. This “dark night of the soul” could be described as the process of burning up all of the stuff in my life that was meaningless so that I could start being true to my deeper desires. Eventually even the desire for enlightenment had to burn up. That was a selfish desire, not aligned with my new path.
A couple of months ago I read that article I linked at the top of the page, and it actually made me cry. This coming from someone who is not good at expressing his emotions. Then the feeling disappeared again. Finally though, I’ve been experiencing a sort of cold determination that underlies everything I do. I still have a lot of mental bullshit to sort through, but I have a very clear understanding of why I’m here and what I want to do.
I’ve never really felt so strongly the pull to be a darkworker. I’ve heard of people who spend a lot of time in their lives oscillating between the two poles trying to work out which they want to adopt. Myself, when I really filled myself with dark energy (fear, hatred, greed) I just wanted to die.
I read the account of a guy who experimented with the dark polarity on the Steve Pavlina forums. He said that as a darkworker, an increase in power brought him waves of practically orgasmic pleasure. Despite that, he said that in the background was always a sense of pain. Darkworkers feel that everyone in the world is their enemy – that’s the way they view things. So it can be pretty lonely. On the other hand, he said that he never noticed the loneliness while he was on his path – only when he doubted himself or wavered.
Lightworking requires you to accept a certain sense of vulnerability. You got to open your heart and feel the pain that the world is experiencing – that is tough. I’ve always wanted to close my eyes to it. And I don’t just mean the starving children in Ethiopia. Things are well screwed up over here in the developed world. Someone who questions things a bit and doesn’t sleepwalk through life can verify that easily. The upside is that when you feel sadness, you can feel joy when you help to heal that.
What gives meaning to your life? Beer and TV? Friends and family? Sex? Social recognition?
Or does some part of you long for something more than that, no matter how nice those things may be?