The sun was shining today so I decided to go to the park to absorb some sunrays and read a book.
I found a bench to sit on, and got my ereader out. After a few moments, I noticed that I didn’t really want to read a book. I was feeling a bit disjointed from my body and not very alert, so I decided to kind of rest a little, perhaps meditate lightly. I became a little bit more aware of my breath, and of my thoughts that seemed to want to be processed.
I found myself going through some introspection, a continuation of what I’d been thinking and feeling the day before.
Now that I seem to be out of “crisis mode” in my life, I seem to be thinking more about the future. My purpose seems clearer than it was before, or perhaps I just feel it stronger. That is: now I must lay the groundwork for my life, in the form of financial stability and other self care. When I have a strong groundwork, my true soul purpose will come forth naturally. I know roughly what form that will take, though the nice thing is I don’t feel like I even need to put that to words. I just have a very strong creative energy inside me, and that will manifest itself in different ways when I have cleared enough space in my life for it to do so.
As I sat on that bench and felt this disjointed feeling in my body, I became aware that part of the reason I’m often disconnected from my body is that I’m not yet very skilled at handling my intense soul power.
I guess for people who are not into New Age stuff “soul power” must sound a little kooky or weird. I apologise, but I can’t find any other way of describing it. Internally, I have this huge feeling of power; I sense that whatever I choose to achieve, I will achieve, almost inevitably somehow. This is not a thought but a feeling. It’s not even entirely a sense of confidence, because confidence can be deflated; I just know this somehow, like a form of clairvoyance. Even in my darker times this knowing was there, a little buried under my pain and insecurity perhaps, but still there. I knew I had a purpose and by god I would fulfil it.
In the past, I have felt the power in my soul, but it wasn’t always synched with my physical shell. This has been getting better over the last few years, but not perfect. As I sat there on that bench, I had the idea that my general disconnection from my body was partly because I felt like my body didn’t represent me very well, and that it would represent me more if I brought more of my power into it and could feel it there.
Intuitively, I placed my hands together on my lap, facing upwards, the fingers on top of each other but the palms separate. This left a kind of demi-spherical space, in which I imagined a ball of red light. Why red? It just came to me that way. But clearly, from the colour and the location, it represented my first chakra.
As I felt my power coming into my body and synching with it, I saw red thunderbolts coming through the top of my head down to the ball of red light resting between my hands.
I noticed in the middle of this that this was almost exactly the same as a visualisation a friend had shown me once when he was explaining his vision of darkworking. It was called a “grounding exercise” and was hosted on darkworkers.com.
Momentarily, I had a little struggle with myself. I had to reassure myself that 1. this isn’t “bad”, 2. this isn’t “dark”, and 3. this doesn’t challenge my identity as a lightworker. Insecurities that were remnants of my time being quite involved with the concept of lightworking as an identity, and when I often asked myself whether what I was doing was “lightworker enough”, something that I’ve later rejected as being quite silly.
After reassuring myself, I returned to the meditation. I let my soul energy fill me and make me feel stronger. After a while, I finished the meditation and reflected on my slightly more solid self-image. I also reflected on the feelings of inevitability which my soul power brings me, and the way that this recent self-work was making those feelings more clear.
I looked to the future again, and felt how I would use this power to create the situations I desire. I realised that I was becoming more able to host my soul power in my body, as I was less self-destructive in attitude. With my previous self-destructiveness, keeping my power out was a way of keeping me safe. Now, I understood better how to rest and engage in self-care; so my power flows into those things too, intensifying them. I no longer think that my intensity means I need to work all the time towards my goals (an attitude which used to cause me to go through cycles of intense activity and burnout). Instead, perhaps rest and self care are like recharging my batteries for the next burst of effort… or perhaps I’m simply waiting as the power manifests itself without my direct intervention. Either way, I don’t feel like I’m wasting my time then.
And in case you are wondering, no, power doesn’t make me not a lightworker. Power makes me an effective lightworker.