A copy of my OKCupid profile, posted here on my blog for reasons.
I’m transsexual (used to look more male than I do now, have always been a woman). Read below for more. DO NOT write to me to say anything negative about this. I delete such messages as soon as I get the drift.
Also, a warning that I’m a writer by nature (that exists – at least, I am) and I seem to add to and edit this page kinda compulsively, making it one of the longest and most comprehensive personal dating profiles you’re likely to read. Probably not a bad thing, but maybe get a mug of tea or something, this will take a while.
Oh yeah, and since I while ago I had a note here warning that I’m on average rather more likely to be with women than men; but that doesn’t matter much anymore because now I’ve set things up so that straight guys can’t see me. I’d still love to be with a trans guy or even a cis guy who rebels against the oppressive nature of his own socialisation, but it’s too much work to filter through the weirdos on OKC.
–Who I Am–
I’m Sophia, a spiritually inclined, vegan, transsexual, femme, feminist, polyamorous, loving, indigo adult (e.g. mature indigo child). I speak Esperanto and am active in the Esperanto scene. I also believe in the gift economy as an ideal, and the (radical) Unschooling philosophy.
I’ve also come up with another word that describes me pretty well: radical. I often try to temper my more wild sides but I do tend to initially go for the extremes in everything. Socially prescribed mediocrity is anathema to me.
My blog is: www.sophiagubb.com
I’m non conformist and always looking to grow and transform as a person. I wrote once: “It’s not that I don’t care what people think. It’s just that I refuse to bend to unjust social pressure.”
I would be completely unrecognizable to myself 5 years ago. And not just because of the gender thing. I have changed in almost every conceivable way. And I am open to changing just as much again, if necessary.
I want to do my part to change the world. It seems like a far more interesting thing to dedicate my life to than to money, sex, hobbies, or prestige.
I like to do activism for trans stuff but not only that. (And I can’t stand being pidgeonholed as a trans author or whatever – I have more than one dimension!)
When people ask what I do I say I’m a blogger or a writer. That’s what I do in the largest part of my time, after all, and I’m hoping that I will be able to earn my living from it eventually. I write about growing as a person, changing the world, and the many intersections between those things.
Like many early-transition trans people, I’m quite obsessed about being trans and like to talk about it a lot. People seem to find it interesting, though, so I guess it’s okay.
I started hormone therapy on June the 4th, 2013. This reshapes my face and body, changes my body odour and pheromones, makes my skin softer, changes my emotions and sex drive, and all sorts of stuff like that. Basically, it means that I get to be on the outside how I feel I am inside. Specifically, I’m getting to be quite well equipped in the boob department, which makes my girlfriend happy.
It’s a funny experience to finally have a physical avatar for my spirit which I find tolerable. I’m starting – slowly – to learn to identify with my manifestation, to not disassociate from myself so hard that my consciousness shoots off into other planes of existence. I’m learning not only to be myself but simply to *be*, as opposed to constantly resisting and attempting to escape the fact of my own existence.
In case you REALLY have to know, I haven’t had surgery on my genitals yet. (Do I go around asking YOU about your genitals??). This doesn’t make me any more or less of a woman. If it greatly affects your attraction to me, I think you’re probably pretty shallow.
I am a woman. I have always been a woman. Being a woman or a man is about what you have inside, not only about what you have outside. We all have a gender identity / internal gender feelings we want respected. Except some people have the luxury of ignoring that because they never experience having their own gender feelings disrespected.
If you continue to believe that gender=genitals once you have heard my story, then you are erasing everything I am for the sake of your theories. You are abusing your power as a majority to make my feelings nothing, and your feelings, everything.
I and other trans people have to deal with this sort of stuff every day. If you care even a little, please help us: begin by educating yourself by talking to REAL trans people, and/or by reading or hearing or watching REAL trans narratives, unedited and uncensored by cis people. (Mainstream documentaries don’t cut it. Try reading “Whipping Girl” by Julia Serrano to start with).
Move on from there by speaking out against transphobia, supporting the trans members of your community, and changing those parts of society and the media which you have a hand in. Thankyou.
I used to be a True Believer atheist. When I was in my teenage years, though, I felt a massive void in my life and spent years searching for answers. One of the results of that was a new understanding of how the Universe works.
So, I guess I could say I believe in God? Except that I don’t believe in the Christian God or any other “official” take on this concept. This might sound funny to some, but everything I believe, I came to by convincing my atheist, skeptical side of logic that it just couldn’t ignore anymore.
God for me is what I felt when riding a boat in Indonesia. The sea stretched before me and behind me, seemingly forever. In that moment I felt both big and small, vulnerable and invulnerable. And I percieved Infinity not as a cold, dead emptiness, but as *alive* and loving and aware and part of me. This was when I understood the point of personifying the Universe and addressing it and calling it he or she. (I prefer she incidentally).
I also believe that who I am does not die when my body dies. And I strongly feel that I am guided and my life has a larger spiritual purpose.
It’s a good feeling, as you can imagine. But I also don’t feel like I’m fooling myself. Which I never wanted to do, not even in order to get these good feelings or anything else.
This is all a big part of who I am.
I’m a vegan for
ethical compassionate reasons (I just realised “ethical” sounds too cerebral, and actually I rather don’t identify with vegans who are vegans from a purely philosophical standpoint, as opposed to a heart-centred standpoint).
I don’t consider myself better than non-vegans. I do believe strongly in this lifestyle though.
Don’t worry, I won’t get in your face about it.
I don’t need my partners to be vegetarian or vegan, though I do find that vegetarians and vegans are more likely to “click” with me.
As an interesting side note, I feel compassion for plants and can’t bear to hurt the plants under my care. This is super hypocritical, but unlike meat I *have* to eat plants, so what can I do?
I believe being vegan is about compassion, and of course that same compassion goes towards humans and everything that has feelings.
I am a very loving person.
I experience being “in love” very easily. In a way I feel like I could be in love with anyone, though in real life practical issues generally get in the way. But, when everything is right, I can fall very, very deeply in love.
I have never stopped being in love with someone. When I’ve separated from someone, I’ve perhaps stopped focusing so much attention in their direction, stopped thinking about them so much, but I could bring up the feelings of being in love easily again if we were to reconnect.
I’ve rarely found partners who were as loving as me; I think never have I found anyone more loving. I don’t mean that I don’t lose myself in negative feelings sometimes and temporarily forget love; I just mean that I feel love often and very intensely.
I love cuddling and can do it all day. I enjoy very, very loving sex. I like to say “I love you” and I don’t believe the phrase ever gets worn out after too much use. I want to say it whenever I feel it, which is often when I’m in a close relationship.
I usually find myself having a “talk” when I first feel this overwhelming desire to express my love in words. I think most people put a lot of meaning into that phrase, like it’s supposed to signify commitment or a certain level of seriousness or something. For me, it doesn’t necessarily mean these things – basically, it just means I am feeling that feeling right now.
I admit, I’m scared of being rejected the first time I say it. But the pressure builds up and eventually I just have to find the courage and say it. So I do.
I’m poly. This is totally non-negotiable, sorry.
I love people sooo very easily so I frequently encountered serious problems with monogamy when I tried it. Though I never cheated and doubt I would have done, it just felt absurd – WHY can’t I love everyone I happen to love? And if I feel these feelings anyway, isn’t that kind of cheating? I can’t stop myself loving people, so, in a way, I just can’t be truly monogamous. At most, I can repress myself to fit into a monogamous relationship. That felt unnatural and wrong.
For me, it’d feel violent to limit my partner’s freedom to love whoever they want to love. In my opinion, it’s just none of my business what they do when I’m not around. (STDs notwithstanding… but you probably get what I mean).
Despite being predominantly attracted to women, I strongly identify with the bisexual label, and the bisexual movement. I wanted to speak up about this because so many people seem to hate this label on OKC, and I wanted to offer an alternative voice.
I don’t believe that the word “bisexual” is inherently binary. I believe if you are going to criticise it for being binary you should criticise the labels “lesbian” and “gay” too; in their traditional definitions they are explicitly binary. However, most self identified lesbians and gays are attracted to some genderqueer people, defying the traditional definitions of their orientations. If we were to take words literally that would make them the “bisexuals” here!
–Who I’m Looking For–
I’m looking for intelligent, connected people who share some of my viewpoints and interests and can “get me” as a person. I like queer people, even if it’s “I’m a straight guy but I’ll kiss another guy just for fun” kind of queer. I also like spiritually-inclined people, vegans, thoughtful people, introverts (even though I’m not an introvert myself), black sheep, non-judgmental people, travelers, feminists, anarchists, artsy people, people who think they’re gonna save the world, and anyone who thinks I’m awesome and/or a sexy princess.
I said to a friend recently, “I wish there was a word for someone who is both spiritual and ‘fuck the system'”. Because while these things might seem exclusive, I have both these sides, and I very much enjoy it when they can be made to work together. I like spiritual people who question, who are not full of bullshit, and who want to make a change. I like anti-system people who are loving, kind, introspective, and aware that anger and violence don’t help them achieve their goals. I think my ideal partner would have both these sides.
Despite being primarily into women, I like masculinity in both women and men. However I need that to be reflected masculinity, the type of masculinity that is not constantly under threat, that doesn’t need to be defended, that doesn’t need to be bigger than others. I want all my partners to be feminist, but that need is especially great in the men I might consider being with. They need to really “get” gender issues and know how to do masculinity in a way that isn’t oppressive. If you can manage that, I think you might just make me a little bit straighter.
I’m not a “sapiosexual”. Though most of my partners have been smart, I did have a crush once on someone who I considered genuinely stupid (in the IQ sense). She had a beautiful heart. I didn’t hate her for being stupid. Why is it so accepted that we have to hate and ridicule stupid people?
For me, wisdom/emotional intelligence is much more important than IQ, and compassion is far more important than either.
In general I love the politics, the alternative-ness, the social justice focus, and the openness of the Berlin leftie scene, but I dislike the accompanying cynicism and lack of spirituality. Cliché as it might sound, I believe in making change in the context of compassion, kindness, and respect, not violence.
Regarding c a s u a l s e x: I’ve gotten more into this recently, though there’s usually some element of affection in it. I’d probably be open for proposals from women/FLT, done in a non-weird way of course (e.g. meeting in a café first to see if we’re feeling it). I’m not sure about cis men – it’s not like I’m not into doing it with cis men, it’s just I think that there are too many creepy guys on OKC and it’d be too hard to filter.
I have a very… flexible sex drive. I can enjoy lots of sex if my partner(s) want(s) it, but otherwise I don’t need very much sex at all to feel satisfied. I do have a very strong need for intimacy, though, which can be fulfilled with sex but also cuddling, kissing, stroking, etc. Sometimes I prefer those things because sex seems like a lot of effort. But as I said, I’m flexible.
I think I’d be quite compatible in a relationship with an asexual person.
I have a single braid in my hair. Someone I love renews that braid every time I see her. That way I always have a bit of her with me, wherever I go.
If I’m relaxed and you stroke or massage me in a certain way, I purr involuntarily.
I am not musically skilled, I sing okay but that’s it. However, in my dreams I hear music – original music I’ve never heard anywhere else, and it is beautiful. Once I even dreamt about composing music, and in the dream it was easy and I composed a wonderful piece. But when I wake, I can’t remember much of my dream music. I record myself humming sometimes on my phone. By the time I do that, it’s rather watered down.
One day I want to try and tap this hidden talent, but that will have to wait till my life actually has room for a new obsession.
I orgasm very easily from having my fingers sucked. After that, I tend to get into a state where pretty much anything can make me orgasm, including having air blown on me.
I tend to make my lovers jealous.
Oh, and if I take MDMA I can orgasm constantly for the entire duration of the trip, using nothing but meditation and focus.
I find tattoos and hairy legs hot on other women but don’t want them for myself.
I have a fierce willpower and if I believe in something, I follow through. My willpower is often stronger than my body, and I need to make sure I don’t unwittingly drive myself into sickness, burnout, or some other “stop sign” crisis.
I love being queer. I love being bisexual/lesbian and I love being trans. It’s been hard*, but if I had the chance to have been born a different way, I’d say no.
*Update: make that VERY hard.
My biggest trigger is rejection. I hate it and fear it and expect it. I’m secretly paranoid that people don’t like me or don’t want to hang out with me.
If you have to make a gesture or say something that could be interpreted as rejection, especially if we are close, try to do it gently. Reassurance is helpful too.
If I haven’t called or written for a long time, it’s probably not because I’m rejecting you, it’s probably because I’m scared you’re rejecting me.
My body is annoyingly sensitive to stuff. e.g. gluten, coffee, sunlight, hunger, cold all can mess me up REALLY badly. It doesn’t stop me living my life, but it requires quite a lot of self care.
My attraction to people is absolutely independent from social beauty ideals. Actually I often find “supermodel” type people horribly unattractive, probably because they always seem to sport a bitchface.
The people I’ve been most attracted to recently have been trans. It’s something in the eyes, I think.
Trying to make everything work out.
Speaking (doing talks)
Counselling (I counsel indigos and I think I have a real talent for it – I might get into other sorts of counselling some time)
Massage – they say I have magic hands
I’ve also heard from several people now that their first impression of me was as very shy. Strange, because most of my life I wasn’t, but that seems to have changed with transition.
Here is a list of my very, absolute favourite songs. Each one
means something special to me. Listen, take in the lyrics (I’ve included translations with the Spanish ones), and if you like them, I think we’ll like each other.
Beautiful Boy by Isabella de Carvalho https://soundcloud.com/isabelladecarvalho/beautiful-boy-1
Ella by Bebe http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wFGNnOgFW3I
Small Town by The Rasmus http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4A3LrRullo
Como Las Flores by Shimshai http://www.sophiagubb.com/translation-of-como-las-flores-by-shimshai/
Angels by Robbie Williams http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_itg0ZHVe3w
The Most Radical Thing To Do by The Ark http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNr72lMvToA&pxtry=1
I like soft, mild, easy-to-eat food. I like sweet chocolate rather than bitter, sweet apples and not sour ones, soft peaches and pears and not those crunchy varieties, soft pasta, mushy quinoa, and white rice instead of brown rice (brown rice is harder to eat).
The Power of Now changed my life. <3
Momo taught me something important, though I find it hard to describe what that is.
I love other books, but I won’t bore you.
OK, also my hormone pills. I’d fight a lion over them if I had to.
How to grow as a person.
Things I’m writing or going to write.
How to succeed with my life goals.
It turns out, I’m a woman every night.
Sometimes I say “I love you” to my cuddly toys. It’s nicer than not saying it to anyone.
I created a stupid website once about black beans.
I’m an ex-PUA. Take a moment to think about how twisted and ironic that is, especially now I’m extremely feminist and also, well, a woman…
…you think we might be a good match.
…you get trans issues, or at least don’t have a head full of prejudices and preconceptions, and aren’t going to be offensive.
…for example, if you’re not going to insinuate either a) that you have to be a homosexual man or a heterosexual woman to be interested in me (fuck you) or b) that being attracted to trans women is a “taste” or a sexual orientation in itself. It’s not, you’re attracted to trans women if you’re attracted to women, unless you’re a bigot, in which case please don’t write to me.
…if you’re a post op trans woman and want to have sex with me so I can work out if I want to get an operation with the same surgeon as you. Wait, is that weird?
…you want to do a language exchange… I can offer good English and Spanish, and decent Esperanto, in exchange for German… I need to learn!